Smart Blonde . . !

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan office.   She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.   The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan.

The blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.   The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.   The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.   The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.   An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the banks' underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.   While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.   What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000 ?"

The blonde replies . . . "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return ?"

Tony the Tiger . . !

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,  "Please come over here and help me.   I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished ?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.   She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said,  "First of all, no matter what else we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, "Secondly, I want you to relax.   Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then," he sighed, "let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box !"

Burglary Response . . !

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.   She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.   The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.  Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.   I call the police for help, and what do they do ?"

"They send me a BLIND policeman !'

The Flagpole . . !

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.   A blonde walks by and asks what they are doing.

Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a ladder."

The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.   She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was 6.328 metres.   She then walked off.

Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde !   We need the height and she gives us the length !"

The Handywoman . . !

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood.   She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me ?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50 ?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.   The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house ?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?"

The wife replied, "You're right.   I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Sometime later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.    "You're finished already ?" the husband asked.

Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus !"

Golf Balls . . . !

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful, (you guessed it), blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.   

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"

Three Blondes . . !

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.   The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh ? "

The blondes all nodded.   The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.   Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,

"To be a police officer, you must be able to detect.   You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye !"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture !   It's a side profile of his face !   You're dismissed !"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.   The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you ?   Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man ?"

Yes !   He only has one ear !"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady ?   This is a side profile of the man's face !   Of course you can only see one ear !   You're excused too !"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "anything unusual about this man ?"

The blonde said, "I sure did.   This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.   He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right !   His bio says he wears contacts !   How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture ?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, helloooo !   With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses !"

The City Blonde . . !

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.   One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.   I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.   You show him where the cow is when he gets here . . . OK ?"

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.   After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.   Maggie takes him down to the barn.   They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,  "This is the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks,  "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred ?"

"That's simple.   By the nail over its stall",  Maggie explains very confidently

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for ?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on !"

The Blonde Genie . . !

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.   He sits down and places the bag on the counter.   The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.   The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter.   He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.   He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.   The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart !

"Where on earth did you get that ?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.   This time he pulls out a lamp.   He hands it to the bartender and says . . .  "Here. Rub it !"

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful blonde-haired genie is standing before him.   She speaks . . . "I will grant you one wish.   Just one wish...each person is allowed only one !"

The bartender gets really excited.   Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks !"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.   It is soon followed by another duck . . . then another.   Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming !   The bartender turns to the man and says,  "Y'know . . . I think your genie's a little deaf . . . or stupid . . . I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks !"

"Tell me about it !" says the man "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ?"

Cheers !

Gambling Blonde . . !

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.   A very attractive blonde woman from Northeast Tennessee arrived . . . and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.   She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."   With that, she stripped to the waist;   rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby . . . Southern Girl needs new clothes !"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down . . . and squealed . . . "YES !   YES !   I WON !   I WON !"

She hugged each of the dealers . . . and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.   Finally, one of them asked,  "What did she roll ?"

The other answered, "I don't know . . . I thought you were watching !"

Moral . . . Not all Southerners are stupid . . . Not all blondes are dumb . . .

But all men . . . are men !

Two Blonde Genies . . !

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.   He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.   The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.   The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom in a huge luxurious mansion, surrounded by 50 stunningly beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet.   He looks down and notices the floor is covered in £50 notes.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it !   Standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.   They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb and hang him by the neck until dead.   As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.   It's the two blonde genies !

One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish . . . having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.   I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.   But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me !"

Crocodile Skin Shoes . . !

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin.   She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was
very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.   After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on
prices" attitude of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,  "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair
of shoes for free !"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,  "Little lady, just go and give it a try !"

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile !   Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.   Just then, he spots a huge 3 meter croc swimming rapidly toward her.   With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all on their backs.   The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back.   Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts
out . . . "SH*T,  SH*T,  SH*T,  THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO !"

Golf Outing . . !

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.   One day they went her place and made love all afternoon.   Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.   The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been ?" his blonde wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.   We had passionate sex all afternoon."

"You lying b*stard !   You've been goofing off again . . . playing golf !"

Deodorant . . !

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectal deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectal deodorant and never have.   Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .

'Do you have the container that it came in ?' asks the pharmacist.

'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,  'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...

(Are you ready for this one ?)

'TO APPLY, PUSH FIRMLY ON BOTTOM'

Blonde Trilogy . . !

A young blonde woman goes to the council to register for child benefit.   "How many children ?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the blonde.

"10 ?" says the council worker.   "What are their names ?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."

"Doesn't that get confusing ?"

"Naah. . ." says the blonde  "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY . . . or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it . . . !"

"What if you want to speak to one individually ?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy . . . ",  says the blonde,  "I just use their surnames."

                * * * * *

Blonde gal enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

                * * * * *

A blonde gal was driving down the I.75 when her car phone rang.    It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle . . . I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the I.75.    Please be careful !"

"It's not just one car !"  said the blonde,  "There's f*c**ng hundreds of them !"

The Passenger . . !

An airplane is about to take off.   A beautiful blonde sits on a chair in the business class.   The flight attendant checks out her ticket.   It turns out that the blonde's seat is in the Economy class.   "Excuse me, would you like to move to the rear part of the plane, in the Economy class ?", asks the flight attendant.

"I am a beautiful woman . . . I'm a blonde . . . I'm going to New York and I'll sit here.",  replies the blonde.

The co-pilot turns up to help the flight attendant.   "Excuse me, lady, woud you move to the Economy class if you please", he asks.

'I am a beautiful woman . . . I'm a blonde . . . I'm going to New York and I'll sit here",  replies the blonde.

The co-pilot explains the situation to the captain.   The captain reassures him that he is going to resolve the situation quickly as his wife is a blonde, too, and he knows how to deal with such a case.   The captain goes into the saloon, approaches the blonde, and whispers something into her ear.   All of a sudden, the blonde stands up and moves furiously to the Economy class.

"How did you do that ?",  ask the flight attendant and the co-pilot.

"Oh, that was easy.   I told her that the Business class was going to London . . . and the Economy class was going to New York !"  replies the captain.