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Dear Tide . . . ! I am writing to say what an excellent
product you have ! I've used Tide all through my
married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
that I am in my fifties, I find it even better ! In
fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white
blouse. One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out ! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief ! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect ! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people. True Love ~ The love story of Ralph and Edna. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became
aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be
discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her
to be mentally stable. Budweiser Method Of Rating Women . . . ! For the benefit of non-Americans . . . Budweiser is a top selling beer in America. It has a familiar commercial showing huge Clydesdale draft horses drawing an old fashioned beer delivery wagon. Three guys at loose ends in a bar are sitting at a table and rating women as they walk in. The guys, of course, are using the familiar "1-10" system. A cute brunette walks in. The guys agree that she rates a 7. The bartender happens to be wiping up at a nearby table, (it's a small bar), and hears them. He glances over and says: "Nah, she's only a 3 on the Budweiser system". The guys are amazed and tell him she's a really attractive girl. The bartender shrugs and says "That's how I see it”. Next, a really interesting redhead walks in. The guys are unanimous that she rates a 9. Again, the bartender is nearby and hears them. He looks over and says "I see her as a 5 on the Budweiser system". The guys are astonished. "How can you say that ? She's knock down, drag out gorgeous !" The bartender shrugs, "That's the way I see her under the Budweiser system". Finally, a 5'11" blonde strolls in. The guys are unanimous that she is a 10. Again, the bartender looks over and pronounces, "I see her as a 6 under the Budweiser system". The guys have had it. One guy says to the bartender, "What the hell is this Budweiser system ?" The bartender says "The number of Clydesdales needed to pull me off her". Baked Beans . . . ! Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight !" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and
let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten
egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for
his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just
started to feel better, when another urge came on. He
raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like
a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep
from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell
would dissipate. He got another urge. With his blindfold still on, he heard the phone farewells, and neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled . . . "SURPRISE !!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. Funeral Parlour . . ! A woman lost her husband in an horrific road accident. She went to the Funeral Parlour to say her last farewells. When she saw him, he was neatly dressed in a black suit and tie. She exclaimed in horror "That's no good ! He hated Black !" She looked around and saw another man's body dressed in a blue suit. She aksed "What about him ? He's in a blue suit, can you change clothes with him ?" The Funeral Director says "We'll see what can be done, Madam" Next day she goes in again, and there is her husband in the blue suit. "Oh thank you!" she says " he looks so much better in Blue. I'm sorry to have put you to so much trouble" "No trouble. Madam" says the Funeral Director " We just changed the heads." Snow . . ! A lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name ?" "I can't tell you" the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name ?" "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine . . . my name is Snow!" the black man replies. The lady bursts into laughter. The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it. The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of you. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean !" Hillary Pregnant . . Again ? Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her. She calls home . . . gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen ? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant ! How could you ? I can't believe this ! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault ! Your fault ! Well, what have you got to say ?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me ?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says . . . "Who is this ?" A Push . . ! A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00am in the morning !' He slams the door and returns to bed. 'Who was that ?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. 'Did you help him ?' she asks. 'No, I did not, it is 3:00am in the morning and it is pouring rain out there !' 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us ? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself !' The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there ?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'Do you still need a push ?' calls out the husband. 'Yes, please !' comes the reply from the dark. 'Where are you ?' asks the husband. 'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk. Chicken Dinner . . ! A man feared his wife wasn't hearing
as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing
aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, " . . . stand about 40 feet away from her, and ask her something in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet . . . then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the lounge. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Hazel . . . what's for dinner ?" No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Hazel what's for dinner ?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Darlin', what's for dinner ?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "HAZEL what's for dinner ?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "HAZEL what's for dinner ?" "For Gods sake, JOHN ! For the FIFTH bloody time . . . CHICKEN . . !" Postman Pat . . ! It was Postman Pat's last day on the
job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of
weather to the same neighbourhood. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the five dollars for ?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you . . . I asked him what to give you". He said, "Aahh ! Screw him ! Give him five bucks." She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea." Philosophy of Sex . . ! "I believe that sex is one of the
most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." "You know "that look"
women get when they want sex ? Me neither." "Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have
a good hand." "Bisexuality immediately doubles
your chances for a date on Saturday night." "There are a number of mechanical
devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." "Leaving sex to the feminists is
like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." "Sex at age 90 is like trying to
shoot pool with a rope." "Sex is one of the nine reasons
for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." "Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships." "My girlfriend always laughs during
sex . . . no matter what she's reading." "My mother never saw the irony
in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." "Clinton lied. A man
might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets
oral sex, no matter how bad it is." "Ah, yes . . . divorce . . . from
the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his
wallet." "Women complain about premenstrual
syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that
I can be myself." "Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place." "According to a new survey, women
say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than
they do undressing in front of other women. They
say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful." "There's a new medical crisis.
Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic
reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling ! So what's the problem ?" "There's very little advice in
men's magazines, because men think, . . . "I know what I'm
doing. Just show me somebody naked." "Instead of getting married again,
I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." "See, the problem is that God gives
men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at
a time." Translations . . ! DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
Letters to Tech Support . . ! Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do ? Signed, Desperate ***************************************************************** Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly. CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support ******************************************************************************** Dear Technical Support, 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Flapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeS* X Plus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whine. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Life Hereafter . . ! A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary, Mary !" "Is that you, Fred ?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like ?" "Well, I get up in the morning . . . I have sex . . . I have breakfast . . . Off to the golf course . . . I have sex . . . I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice more. I have lunch . . . another romp around the golf course . . . then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, back to the golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven ?" * * * * * "Not exactly . . . I'm a rabbit in Suffolk !" Three Times a Virgin . . ! A middle aged man and a woman fell in love and decided to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle . . . I am still a virgin !" The startled groom asks, "How can that be ? You've been married 3 times before." The bride responds . . . "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it." "My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it." "And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was . . . . God I miss him !" "But you're a lawyer, so now I know I'm gonna get screwed !" She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said . . . "You've got to make love to me this very moment.' His eyes lit up and he thought . . .
"This is my lucky day." Not wanting to
lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all Afterwards she said, "Thanks !" and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about ?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken !" The Ungrateful Wife . . ! She came home early and found her husband
in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
The wife was VERY "You are a disrespectful pig!"
she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife,
the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. And he replied: "Hang on just a minute Luv, so at least I can tell you what happened !" "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me !" And he began . . . "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night . . . the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower
and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty
and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as
she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have
had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are
too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was
your anniversary I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair exactly like them.." He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said . . . "Please . . . do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use ?" The Fisherman . . ! Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled
up to my wife's back, now with a different She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that weather !" The Wedding Test . . ! I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping ! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family !' * * * * * And the moral of this story is . . . Always keep your condoms in your car ! Lovers and other Strangers . . ! A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello ? Oh, hi . . . I'm so glad that you called . . . Really ? That's wonderful . . . well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time . . . Oh, that sounds terrific . . . thanks. Okay. Bye bye !" She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that ?" "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you !" In Mourning . . ! Anna had lost her husband almost four
years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her
and urging her to get back into the world. Well, it was an immediate hit. They
took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked
her to join him for a weekend in She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same . . . she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit . . . excepy that now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom ?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences !" Farm Breakfast . . ! A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little irritated, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says . . . . . . "Are you going to tell him, or should I ?" The Genie . . ! A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf . . . Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful ! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner . . . apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window ?" "Uh . . . yeah, Sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you both . . . You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it . . . it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life ! And now you, young lady, what do you want ?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters !" "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie ?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think ?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey ?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband "I'd do the same for you !" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband ?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO CRAP !", he said. "Thirty-five years old . . . and both of you still believe in genies ?" Hypnotic Suggestion . . ! Woman comes home and tells her husband: "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches ?" the husband asks, "What happened ?" His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat the words 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked ! The headaches are all gone." Well, that is wonderful", said the husband. His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful !" The husband says, "Don't move ! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and Round Two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back !" With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying . . . "She's not my wife ! She's not my wife ! She's not my wife !" * * * * * His funeral service will be held on Saturday ! Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant." "But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry . . . !" Date Rape . . ! Police are warning all men who frequent
clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and remain cautious
when offered a drink by any woman. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.' In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please ! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the Yellow Pages. A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee officer . . . I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once ?" The wife smiles demurely and says . . . "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the 2nd ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut ?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt while you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the 3rd ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP ???" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am ?" "Only when he's been drinking !" Coincidence . . ! A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that ? I just ordered a glass of champagne too !" "What a coincidence !" the farmer says. "This is a special day for me so I'm celebrating !" "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating !" says the woman. "What a coincidence !" says the farmer as they clinked glasses, then asked, "What are you celebrating ?" "My husband and I have been trying for many years to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant !" "What a coincidence !" says the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile ?" "I used a different rooster", he replied The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence !" Fifty Years On . . ! A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting together at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think . . . fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "I'll bet we were probably sitting here naked as a pair of jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Why don't we relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down again at the table. "You know, honey", the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I know Dear", he replied. "One is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal." Dear Abby . . ! My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is that everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job almost 8 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and bullshit with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do ? ******************** Dear Clueless, Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman ! You don't need him anymore ! For goodness' sake . . . You're a United States Senator from NewYork running for President of the United States. Act like one ! Abby Men strike back . . ! How many men does it take to open a
beer ? Love Poem . . . by Sir Paul McCartney I sat atop a grassy hill My hands were all aquiver I undone her suspender belt And her leg fell in the river The Gardener . . ! Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees. Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that ?" Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy. The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something. "Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too." Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria . . . Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those." Marie being very naive accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning; when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch. Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now ?" "Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one !!" The Rancher . . ! A successful rancher died and left everything
to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking
woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little
about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch hand. She thought long and hard about it,
and when no one else applied she decided to hire the
gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker
who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about
ranching. Colours . . ! A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made. "Olympic condoms ?" she blurts, "What makes them so special ?" "There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze." "So what color are you gonna wear tonight ?" she asks with a grin. "Gold of course," says the proud man. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change !!! Oh Daddy . . ! Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off . . . then Aunt Jane . . .' At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story . . . lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss . . . then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off . . . then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy on the battleships.' Mummy fainted ! The Obedient Wife . . ! There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife . . . "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well . . . he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a moment !" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen . . . I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him ?" "I sure did", said the wife. "I got it all together . . . put it into my account, and wrote him a check . . . " ". . . If he can cash it, then
he can spend it !" |