The Bottle of Wine . . !

For all of us who are married, were married, wish we were married, or wish we weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Kathy was driving home from one of her business trips in North Queensland when she saw an elderly Aboriginal woman walking on the side of the road.   As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Kathy tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Aboriginal woman.   The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Kathy.

"What in bag ?" asked the old woman.

Kathy looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine.   I got it for my husband."

The Aboriginal woman was silent for another moment or two.    Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade . . !"

Choices . . !

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said . . .

"Me too !   I didn't know we had a choice."

White Supremacy . . ?

An Aboriginal elder, sat in his humpy eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.   One official said to him,  "You have observed the white man for 90 years.   You've seen his wars and his technological advances.   You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."

The elder nodded in agreement.

The official continued,  "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong ?"

The Elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute, and then he calmly replied:   "When white man found this land, Aboriginals were running it.   No taxes, no debt, plenty kangaroo, plenty fish, women did all the work, medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the elder leaned back and smiled,   "Only white man bloody stupid enough to think he could improve system like that."

The Widow . . !

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff . . . I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a carton of Bundy cans.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev ?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me !"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable . . . you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer ?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said.   "When she answered the door, I said to her . . . You must be Steve's widow !

She said, "No,  I'm not a widow."

And I said,   "I'll bet you a carton of Bundy cans you are"

Blondes Again .. !

One blonde can make a difference !   At least that is what the blonde in this joke thought.   She was tired of everyone thinking that blondes were stupid, and she didn't like all these jokes.   To end the injustice, she decided to prove to the world that she was smart.   In order to prove herself, she chose to memorize the capital of every Australian state.   It wasn't an easy task, but she was determined and eventually managed to do it.

A few days later she was in a bar, and heard a couple of men laughing at a blonde joke.   This was the perfect opportunity to start righting all the wrongs that had been done to blondes in the past . . . she would set these men straight !

Marching over at a rapid pace she announced,   "It isn't true that all blondes are stupid, and I will prove it.   Just ask me the capital of any Australian state, and I will tell you what it is."

Although a little surprised, the men did challenge her and asked, "OK, how about Victoria"

The Blonde, after pausing for a moments thought, proudly gave the answer,

" . . . V !"

Relatives . . !

A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related ?"

The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

 The Australian Barmaid . . !

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.   He walks into a bar and Jill, the barmaid . . . who also happened to be Australian . . . takes his order - Fosters - and notices his accent.   Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.   Although she is attracted to him she says no.   He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.   Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.   The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.   This goes on for 5 nights.   On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner.   Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again.   So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.   "So am I . . . What suburb in Melbourne ?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing . . ." she says, " . . . so am I . . . what Street ?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable . . ." she says, " . . . what number ?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this, but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there !"

"I know . . ."  he says,  " . . . your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you !"

Jimmy and the Croc . . !

A very rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.   He also invited Jimmy, an Aboriginal neighbour.   He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his Mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters at the BBQ and flirting.   At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft Man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool !

Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass !   Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.   Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.   Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.   Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.   Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a Million dollars."

"Nah, you're all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Mate, I have to give you something, you won the bet.", "How about half a million bucks then ?"

"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

The host said, "Come on . . . I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.   How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options ?"

Again Jimmy said "No !

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want ?"

Jimmy said, "I just want the name of the rotten bastard who pushed me in the pool."

 ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.   She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.   She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.   The man seemed more amused.   When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.   The judge asked the man, (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:   When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.   She sat down under a advertising sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT . . . your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,   'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident' . . . I just lost it."

Case Dismissed !

A MAROONED AUSSIE . . !

An Aussie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.   Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.   Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.   After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, and the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.   As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Aussie.   Soon,he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But, the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.   After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more cuddles.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.   The only surviver was an extremely beautiful woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.   She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.   It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get "those feelings" again.   He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear: "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk ?"

It was Good . . !

In the beginning God created day and night.   He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's.   He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach , and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with .   So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.   He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ...

Well .. Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.   It was better than that . . . it was Bloody Awesome !

IT WAS AUSTRALIA  !!!!!

Australian Coppers . . !

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.   He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.   The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you . . . unfortunately some really bad news, but . . . some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first ?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.   Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.   He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.   But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks,  "What's the good news . . . . . ?

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."   He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks !   They're bloody beauties !   I guess it's an ill wind and all that . . .   So what's the other possible good news ?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again . . !"

Aussie Poem . . !

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The soddy took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that soddy swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The soddy's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks !

Possibly the funniest story in a long while.   This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story.   Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure . . .

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.   I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.   You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.   On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.   When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.   Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.   You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.   Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.   Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.   This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.   Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.   I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.   This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.   The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.   This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Balance . . !

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.   Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.   He enquired of God, "Where have you been ?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds and said,  "Look Michael, look what I've made !"

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it ?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great world of balance."

Balance ?" inquired Michael, still confused.

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor;   the Middle East
over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.   Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries.   "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very
cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that ?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Queensland, the most glorious place on earth.   A land of sunshine, there are beautiful people, impressive
towns;   it is the home of beautiful rain forests, magnificent islands and beaches, a beautiful reef, the world's finest sportsmen and women, artists, musicians, writers, philosophers, explorers and politicians.   There is an abundance of minerals and fantastic farming land.  It is a
place where everyone from around the world will come for their holidays to relax and enjoy themselves.   The people from Queensland are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.   They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high-achieving, and they will be known through out the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God . . . you said there will be BALANCE !"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the morons I'm putting next to them in New South Wales."

Al 'Gebra Terrorists . . !

A public school teacher was arrested today at Sydney International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a math book, a ruler, a protractor, a set square, and a calculator.   At a morning press conference, Attorney General Ruddock said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al 'Gebra movement.   He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the police with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al 'Gebra is a problem for us," Ruddock said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.   They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.   As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister John Howard said,  "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

The Ventriloquist . . !

An Australian ventriloquist visiting Scotland walks into a small village and sees a local man sitting on his porch patting his dog.   He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Scotsman  "G'day . . . mind if I talk to your dog ?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate ?"

Dog: "Doin' allright.

Scotsman:  (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner ?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you ?"

Dog: "Real good.   He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Scotsman: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse ?"

Scotsman: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either . . . I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going ?"

Horse: "Cool"

Scotsman: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner ?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you ?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking.   He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Scotsman: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep ?"

Scotsman: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar . . !"

Fill 'er up . . !

A petrol station in Albany, West Oz, was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying,  'FREE SEX WITH EACH FILL'

Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.   The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.   If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said,  "You were close.   The number was 7.   Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same bloke come along with his mate, Bluey, and pulled in for a fill-up.   Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The bloke guessed 2 this time.   Again the proprietor said,  "Sorry, it was 4.   "You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate,  "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Blue replied,  "No, it ain't, Bill.   It ain't rigged . . . my missus won twice last week . . !"

The Pig . . !

A Northern Territory farm hand, (an Aboriginal), radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out"

The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat.   Take it . . . shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'\\"

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss.   Took the .303 . . . shot the pig in the head and removed him from the
bull-bars.   No problem there, but I still can't go on"

"Now what's the problem ?"  raged the Manager.

"Well boss . . . it's his motor-bike . . . the flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.   Boss ? . . . you there, Boss ?"

An Aboriginal walks up from the creek with a huge mud crab and puts it into the boot of his car.   The Fisheries Inspector jumps out of the bushes and says  "Got you . . . poaching mud crabs out of season !"

Abo-- "No boss"

FI.--  "What do you mean . . . No boss.    I saw you with it"

Abo--  "No boss . . . Not poachin mud crabs"

FI-- "I saw you . . . its in the boot of your car"

Abo-- "No boss"

FI-- "'I saw it . . . open the boot"

The Abo opens the boot and there is this big mud crab.

FI-- "There it is . . . now you can't deny it"

Abo-- "Not poachin' boss . . . thats my pet mud crab Henry . . . I bring him down to the creek every morning for a swim"

FI-- "Don't bullshit me"

Abo-- "No bullshit boss . . . come and I can show you"

They walk to the creek and the Abo puts the crab in the water, there is a swirl of water and mud.

FI-- "Where is it ?"

Abo-- "Where's what ?"