One Sunday . . . !

The good folks were sitting in church before the service started, just chattin' and such while things were getting ready up front.   ALL OF A SUDDEN . . . there was a roar of thunder, a flash of light and a cloud of smoke . . . and up front was standing a big man all dressed in black with smoke risin' around him.   The preacher beat feet out the side door and everyone in the church raced for the exits, except one old timer who just sat there.

The man in black shouted . . . "Do you know who I am ?   I am Satan !"

Old timer:   "Reckon you are."

Devil:         "Do you realize I can destroy you with a bolt of lighting ?"

OT:            "Reckon you could."

Devil:         "Do you realize I can cause you misery, pain and suffering for the rest of your life ?"

OT:            "Reckon you could."

Devil:         "Then why aren't you afraid of me ?"

Old Timer:   . . . . . "Been married to your sister for 40 years !"

Sunday School Humour . . !

A Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false Prophets of Baal.    She explained how Elijah built the altar, then piled wood on it, cut up the sacrificial steer and put that on top of the wood.   Then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels with water and pour them over the altar.   He had them do this four times.

"Now!" said the teacher, "can anyone tell me why God had them pour the water over the steer on the altar ?"

A little girl at the back raised her hand "I know, I know" she said, "to make the gravy"

A Sunday School Teacherwas telling her class about the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so that her students would catch the drama.   Then she asked the class,  "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding . . . what would you do ?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence "I think I would throw up"

A Sunday School teacher said to her class  "We have been learning how powerful the kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a higher power.   Can anyone in the class tell me what it is ?"

One child blurted out "Aces"

Joey, a nine year old, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.   When he got to the Red Sea he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.   Then he radiod to his headquarters for reinforcements.   They sent bombers to blow up the bridage and all the Israelites were saved"

"Joey is that really what your teacher taught you ?" his mother asked.

"Well !   No !" said Joey,   "but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it"

The Ham Sandwich . . !

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.  After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,  "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork ?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork ?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate ?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh ?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly.   He was silent for a while, and then he said,  "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it ?"

Sermon Sleepers . . . !

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.    "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem . . . my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons.   It's very embarrassing.   What should I do ?"

"I have an idea," said the minister.   "Take this hatpin with you.   I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times.   When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off.   Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.   "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you ?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.   Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again.   Again, the minister noticed.   "Who is your redeemer ?", he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God !" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.   Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off.   However, this time the minister did not notice.   As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son ?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your arse !"

"Amen !" replied the congregation.

Confession . . . !

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned.   I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi ?”

“Yes Father, it is.”

“And who was the woman you were with ?”

“I can't tell you, Father.   I don't want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Johnny,  I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.   Was it Tina Minetti ?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Volpe ?”

“I'll never tell”
.
“Was it Nina Capeli ?”

“I'm sorry but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano ?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then ?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration.   “You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that.   But you've sinned and have to atone.   You cannot attend church services for 4 months.”

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,   “What'd you get ?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads . . . !"

Time to Go ..!

A 54 year old woman has a heart attack and while in hospital has a near death experience.   Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up ?"

To which God replied " No, you have 43 years 2 months and 8 days to live"

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in hospital a little longer and have a face lift, liposuction, a breast implant and a tummy tuck, she even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth.   Seeing as she had 43 years to live she thought she would may as well make the most of it.    After her last operation she was released from hospital and while crossing the road was hit by an ambulance and killed.

Arriving in front of God , she demanded "I thought you said I had 43 years to live, why didn't you pull me away from that ambulance ?"

To which God replied,   "I DIDN'T BLOODY RECOGNISE YOU !"

Adam and Eve . . !

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord . . . what do You Want me to do ?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley ?'

God explained it to Him.   Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River ?'

God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a Hill ?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a Cave ?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that ?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'    And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman. Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now ?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!)

*

*

'What's a headache ?'

Children's Bible Statements . . .

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure !   Pay special attention to the wording and spelling.    If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious !   It comes from a Catholic elementary school test.   Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments.   The following statements about the bible were written by children.   They have not been retouched or corrected.    Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.   Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.   Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots’ wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8, the Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.   Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.   Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar.   He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you.   He also explained a man doth not live by       sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached Holy Acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Exothermic Reactions . . !

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question on a University of Washington chemistry paper.   The answer is so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Net, which is how we now have it.

QUESTION:   Is Hell exothermic - (gives off heat) . . . or endothermic - (absorbs heat) ?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law - (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) . . . or some variant. However, one student wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.   So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.   I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.   Therefore, no souls are leaving.   As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.   Most of the religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.   Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.   With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.  This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it ?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that “Hell will freeze over before I sleep with you” . . . and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night . . . then number 2. must be true . . . and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct, leaving only Heaven and thereby proving the existence of a divine being.

This would explain why . . . last night . . . Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God !”

Spelling Errors . . !

Monastery Life . . . A young monk arrives at the monastery.  He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.   He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.   So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up !   In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."   He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.   Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.   He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,   "We missed the "R" . . . we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.  The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Father ?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was . . . CELEBRATE !!!"

Church Notices . . !

THESE ARE ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM CHURCH BULLETINS.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.   Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet on Thursday at 7pm.   Please use the back door.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Don’t let worry kill you - let the Church help.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.   Miss Charlene Mason sang  “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious to the congregation.

Ladies don’t forget the rummage sale.  It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.   Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family bonfire at the Fowler’s.   Bring your own hot dogs and guns.   Friends are welcome !   Everyone come for a fun time.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Smile at someone who is hard to love.   Smile and say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our church and those who are sick in the community.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South end and the North end of the church.   Children will be baptised at both ends.

On Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice-cream social.   All ladies giving milk, please come early.

On Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mother’s Club.   All ladies wishing to be ‘Little Mother’s’ please meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.   The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”.   One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will then join in.

Next Sunday there will be a special collection taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.   All those who want to do something on the new carpet will be able to come forward and do so.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.   They can be seen in the church basement on Saturday.

A bean supper will be held in the church hall on Tuesday evening.   An assortment of music will follow.   

Weight Watchers will meet in the First Presbyterian Church, at 7pm.   Please use the big double doors at the side entrance.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married in this church on October 24th.   So ends a friendship that began in school days.   

Ushers will eat latecomers at the back of the hall.

8 new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some of the older ones.

The sermon this morning will be ‘Jesus walks on water’ and the sermon this evening will be ‘Searching for Jesus’.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.   They need all the help that they can get.

Barbara C. remains in hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.   She is also having trouble sleeping and therefore asked us for one of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

Kinda sums up any Tax collector to me, but this one is Revenue Canada !!!

At the end of the tax year Revenue Canada sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.   While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.   What do you do with the candle drippings ?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.   But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo (bread) purchases ?   What do you do with the crumbs ?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.   "We collect them and send back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.   "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform ?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.   "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to Revenue Canada, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course, My Child. What may I do for you ?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday.   The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits;   and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.   Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me ?   Under your robes perhaps ?"

"I would love to help you, my dear, but I must warn you:   I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.   The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare ?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor ?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father !   Next !"

The Car Crash . . !

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.   Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says,  "So you're a priest.   I'm a rabbi.   Just look at our cars.   There's nothing left, but we are unhurt.   This must be a sign from God.   God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.   This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this.   Here's another miracle.   My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break.   Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."   Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.   The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any ?"

The rabbi replies, "No . . . I think I'll wait for the police."

Final Absolution . . !

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here ?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it !"

Heaven . . !

First question:    What do you get when a woman goes to heaven ?

An Angel

2nd question:    What do you get when several women go to heaven ?

A host of Angels !!

3rd & final question:    What do you get when all wonen go to heaven ?

     * * * * *

PEACE ON EARTH !!

Chardonnay . . !

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,   "I must tell you all something.   We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay !"

Heavenly Football . . !

Two old guys, Tam and Jock, (they were Scots, by the way) were talking about foot ball.   They had known each other all their lives, and had played together in the same football teams.

Tam said to Jock,  "When we die . . . the first one must come back from heaven and tell the other one what it's like, and do they play football up there"

So it was agreed that this would happen.   A week later, Tam dies, and goes to heaven.   A few days later Jock was sitting in the bar, (I told you they were Scots) and he hears Tam's voice calling him.   He says,  "What are you doing calling me . . . you're dead."

"I know . . . but don't you remember what we talked about before I died ?   Well, I have some great news, and some not so great news.   The football in heaven is brilliant.   All our old friends are there, and we're young again, so can play all day, every day.   The weather is always springtime . . . the grass is green and the facilities are brilliant."

"Thats great", says Jock,  "but what's the bad news ?"

"The bad news", says Tam,  "is that you are down to play this Tuesday !"

A Bicycle Ride . . !

Two nuns always rode their bicycles together.   One day, they decided to take a different route.   One of the nuns remarked, "I've never come this way before."

To which her friend replied, "Must be the cobblestones !"

Hawaiian Vacation . . !

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.   They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.   As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.   The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them.   They couldn't help but stare.   As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.   How in the world did she know they were priests ?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.   These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them !   Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.   After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time.   Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

'Yes, Father ?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are ?' She replied,

'Father . . . it's me, . . . Sister Kathleen !'

Church Membership . . !

A young couple wanted to join the church, and following some discussion, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples.   You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'   The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.   When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon . . . . Is there a problem ?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult . . . however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.   The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.   However, the third week was unbearable.   We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible . . . anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.   One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.   When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.   It was lustful, loud, passionate sex.   It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome back at Home Depot either !'

Eve's Side of the Story . . !

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.   ' So, how is everything going ? ' enquired God.

' It is all so beautiful, God, ' she replied. ' The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I
have just one problem.   It is these breasts you have given me.   The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.   They are a real pain,' reported Eve.   She then went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc . . . she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ' symmetrically balanced, ' as she put it.

' That is a fair point, ' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know.   I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right.   I will fix it up right away. '   And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.   ' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation ? '

' Just fantastic, ' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part.   You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.   All the animals have a mate except me.   I feel so alone. '

God thought for a moment and said, ' You know, Eve, you are right.   How could I have overlooked this ?   You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.   Now let's see . . . where did I put that useless tit ?

Now doesn't T H A T make more sense than the rib version ?

The Ducks in Heaven . . !

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.   When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks !"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.   It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.   Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man !"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.   With him is another extremely ugly man.   He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . . . very tall . . . long eyelashes . . . muscular . . . and slender.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.   The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity ?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck !"

Repayment . . !

Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates.   St Peter opens them and says,   'Oh it's you Luciano, come on in.   Squeeze through'.

Pavarotti says,  'Hold on, I've got an envelope for you, from the Pope.'

St Peter opens it up and reads it. It says . . .

'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU !'

The Engineer . . !

An engineer died and ended up in Hell.   He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators.   Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell ?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great.   We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What ?   You've got an engineer ?   That's a mistake.   He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue !"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right.   And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer ?"

Ladies Talking in Heaven . . !

1st woman:   Hi !   My name is Wanda.

2nd woman:   Hi! I'm Sylvia.   How'd you die ?

1st woman:   I Froze to Death.

2nd woman:   How Horrible !

1st woman:   It wasn't so bad.   After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you ?

2nd woman:   I died of a massive heart attack.   I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:   So, what happened?

2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.   I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.   Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.   I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:    Too bad you didn't look in the freezer . . . we'd both still be alive !

Ralph Re-Incarnated . . !

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.   He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph !'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead ?   No, I can't be !   I've got too much to live for.   Send me back !'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.   The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.   A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh ?   How's your first day here ?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.  Like I'm gonna explode !'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before ?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg !   

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg . . . his joy was overwhelming.   As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout . . . 'Dammit, Ralph ! Wake up !   You're crapping in the bed !'

God and Harley's . . . !

Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.   At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur ... "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ... "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.   God recognized Arthur and commented ... "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle ?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road ?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said ... " Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of the woman ?"

God said, "Yes."

Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional ... you have some major design flaws in your invention:
     1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
     2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
     3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
     4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
     5. And the maintenance costs are enormous !"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on !"   God went to His Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.   The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it."Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours !"

The Zebra . . !

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.   As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth.
Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes ?"

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God.   When he found Him, the zebra asked,   "God, please - I must know.   Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes ?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you ?"

The zebra, looking puzzled, answered, "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are.   You are white with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain ?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."

The Gypsies . . !

40 Gypsies died and went to heaven.   They turned up at the Pearly Gates and asked St. Peter to let them in.   He said that they didn't have room for all 40 of them.   He only had room for five, so they should go away and think about who would come in.

A short while later St Peter went to see God and said 'They've gone !'

God replied, 'What, the Pikeys ?'

'No . . . the flaming gates' !!!!

Spinster Sister . . !

A man suffered a serious heart attack, and had an open heart bypass surgery.   He awakened from the surgery to find himself, in the care of nuns at a CatholicHospital .  As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions, regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.   She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you ?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,

"Nuns are not spinsters !   Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied,

"Send the bill to my brother-in-law !"

The Confessional . . !

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin . . . there's no paper on this side either."

Another Confession . . !

Paddy slipped into the confessional and said,  "Forgive me Father for I have sinned.   I used some horrible language this week !"

"When did you use this awful language ?" asked the priest.

"Yesterday . . . I was golfing" said Paddy," and hit the sweetest drive of my life but the ball hit an overhead power line and plummeted straight down to the fairway . . . only 50 yards away".

"Is that when you swore ?"

"No Father !", said Paddy, "After that a dog ran out of some bushes, grabbed the ball in its mouth and started running away."

"Is that when you swore ?" asked the priest again.

"Well no," said Paddy, "Just then, an eagle swooped down out of the sky, grabbed the dog in its talons and flew away."

"IS THAT WHEN YOU SWORE ?" asked the amazed priest.

"No not yet," replied Paddy, "As the eagle carried the dog away, it flew over the green.   As it passed over a clump of trees near the green the dog dropped my ball."

Now the impatient priest asked "Is it this time you swore ?"

"No" said Paddy, "Because the ball hit a tree, careered off a big rock, rolled through a bunker and stopped within a foot of the hole"

The priest sighed, "You missed the putt didnt you ?"

Penance . . !

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.   Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.   She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.   She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.   Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.

They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:  "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on !"