 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Take The Bait . . . ! It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM ! . . . a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish ! How do you do it ?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm !" Deer Hunting . . . ! Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added. Gorilla Headache . . . ! It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand, (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs" . . . this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache" The Sign . . . ! So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do ?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care," said Farmer John, "just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day the Sheriff had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said:
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers ? Did you put up your sign ?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers ..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT . . ! Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you . . . But, . . . whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot ! REPEAT . . . DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT !!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird !" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike !" The Frog . . ! Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauted frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself . . . " . . . I don't bloody think so . . !" How to Tell the Sex of a Fly . . ! A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing ?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any ?" She asked. "Yep . . . 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart ?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." The Cajun Alligator . . . ! A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd
gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle
and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another
offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to
give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand A Blonde woman timidly spoke up: "I'll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle !" Boaby . . ! A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ? Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions: 1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm
no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper
quickly agreed to this condition. Talking & Reading Dog . . ! A young farm lad from northern Alabama goes off to college, but about one third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with ! Why, they actually have a program here at Auburn that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk !" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program ?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this . . . they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ !" "READ ?", says his father, "No kidding ! What do I have to do to get him in that program ?" "Just send $2,500\ . . . I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue ? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something !" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town ?' The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother !" "I sure did, Dad !" "That's my boy !" (The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......) Where do Pets come from ? A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from ?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and
was a companion to them and loved them. And they
were comforted. And God was pleased. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord . . . Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other ! In Defense of the Average Dog . . ! The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Acklam Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. Sigmund Freud I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein Ever consider what our dogs must think of us ? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth ! - Anne Tyler Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right ! I never would've thought of that !' - Dave Barry Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret Classified Ad . . !
Please scroll down ***********************
Ants . . ! I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany" . . . a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do . . . Quit drinking before noon The Parrot . . ! A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Now John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the
bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what
had made such a dramatic change in "May I ask what the turkey did ?" Dear Dogs and Cats . . . ! The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years . . . canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough ! The Legless Parrot . . ! A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot ?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me !" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird . . ." "Oh yeah ?" the man asks, "Then answer this . . . how do you hang onto your perch without any feet ?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you ?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.." The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!" The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor . . . he's interesting . . . he's a great pal . . . he understands everything . . . he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about ?" asks the man. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT ???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him ?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over . . ." Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED ?" "Damned if I know . . . I got an erection and fell off my perch !" Big Bird . . ! A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours ?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again, when the waitress delivers their orders, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual ?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Yep ! Same !" says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time ?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of Million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live !" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich ?" The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say." Sex Frogs . . ? Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit !!!! A blonde goes to her local pet store
in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about
the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The girl excitedly looks around to see
if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to
the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one !' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens ! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions ... please call the pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there !' The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME !! I'm only going to show you how to do this . . . ONE ... MORE ... TIME !!!' Three Inches . . ! In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. It was a hot, dry fly . . . who said to no one in particular, "Gosh . . . if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh . . . if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh . . . if that fly goes down three inches . . . that fish will jump for the fly . . . and I will eat him." It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches . . . and that fish leaps for it . . . that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch." You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh . . . if that fly goes down three inches . . . and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish . . . the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich." A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as it was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh . . . if that fly goes down three inches . . . and that fish jumps for that fly . . . and that bear grabs for that fish . . . and that hunter shoots that bear . . . and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich . . . then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water . . . The fish swallows the fly . . . The bear grabs the fish . . . The hunter shoots the bear . . . The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich . . . The cat jumps for the mouse . . . The mouse ducks . . . The cat falls into the water and drowns ! The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches . . . Some pussy is probably in danger ! Trivia . . ! If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months
and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat
one cup of coffee. If you farted consistently for 6 years
and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of
an atomic bomb. The human heart creates enough pressure
when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes ! A cockroach will live nine days without
its head before it starves to death. Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories a hour The male praying mantis cannot copulate
while its head is attached to its body. The female
initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. The flea can jump 350 times its body
length. It's like a human jumping the length of a
football field. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. Butterflies taste with their feet. The strongest muscle in the body is
the tongue. Right-handed people live, on average,
nine years longer than left-handed people. Elephants are the only animals that
cannot jump. A cat's urine glows under a black light. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its
brain. Starfish have no brains Polar bears are left-handed. Humans and dolphins are the only species
that have sex for pleasure. Widdle Wabbit . . . ! A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth . . . "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits ?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there ?" *******************************************************************
The Dead Dog . . ! A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. Fearing the worst she rang her vet who asked her to bring the dog into the surgery. After a brief examination the vet pronounced the dog dead. "Are you sure ?" the distraught women asked "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do ?" The vet paused for a moment and said "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and returned carrying a cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well that confirms it," the vet announced. " Your dog is dead !" Now satisfied that the vet had done all he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you ?" "That will be $330." the vet replied. "I don't believe it !!!" screamed the women. "What did you do that cost $330 ??" "Well," the vet replied "Its $30 for the surgery visit and $300 for the cat scan." What do Deer Think . . ? Ted Nugent, American Rock Star and avid
Bow Hunter, was being interviewed by a very obnoxious and sarcastic
French journalist. Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable
of that kind of thinking. All they care about is:
'What am I going to eat next' . . . 'Who am I going to . . . They are very much like the French !" The Attack Dog . . ! A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking its' butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking !" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt !" "I know . . . I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth." Two Woodpeckers . . ! A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing on the Trans-Pacific phone about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, flew out to the islands, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged
the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was
absolutely im-peckable (a term How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree. but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state ? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion . . . Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home ! Best Friends . . ? A dog is truly a man's best friend ! If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, see which one is really happy to see you !
|