NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word     would be  "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as     His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very     often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well.   Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby       emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.  That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep       down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

19. Your friends love you anyway.

THE ANSWER IS NO . . . !           ( Question:    Can men ever win ? )

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive low paying job, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

WHY ENGLISH TEACHERS RETIRE EARLY !           ( Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays )

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience . . . like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse     without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it . . . and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of     looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli . . . and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever !

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock . . . like a surcharge     at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and      Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having      left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.    But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck.    Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame . . . maybe from stepping      on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love.    When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall

GIFT WRAPPING . . . !

In our last days before Xmas, I offer some tips on gift wrapping . . . !

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men . . . Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb . . . went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts;    Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact:   There is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:  "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper.   And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.   And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it !   That is nice paper !   Saveth it for next year !'   And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs.   And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the Frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped.   This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:  1. They were wise.   2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers.   Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off.   This is not just my opinion:   This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.

One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is . . . "If it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.  "No one ever had to wonder which presents Daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said.  "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them.   I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out.   (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the occupational field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane.   My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things.   If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.   If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.    My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills, like having babies, that come more naturally to women than to men.   That is why today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.   If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.   They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper !   Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE:    Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree ?
YOU:                 It's a gift !    See ?    It has a bow !
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag):   It's a leaf blower.
YOU:                 Gas-powered !   Five horsepower !
YOUR WIFE:    I want a divorce.
YOU:                 I also got you some Myrrh.

In conclusion . . . remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it.   The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Great Truths . . . !

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.   They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise.    It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food.   I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer . . . but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.   And now that you've come into my life...
          (Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life....
          (Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
          (Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion.   Before you go....
          (Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back ?   You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
          (Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday !   You look great for your age....
          (Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
          (Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
          (Inside card) - What do you say we stop ?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
          (Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
          (Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was ?

11. You are such a good friend.   If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
          (Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
          (Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
          (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
          (Inside card) - What was I thinking ?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day !...
          (Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

Ten Reasons A Handgun Is Better Than a Woman . . . !

10. You can trade an old .44 for two, new .22's.

9. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.

7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space and doesn't require 200 pairs of shoes..

4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

3. A handgun won't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.   Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.   Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.   Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully.   You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".   Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control departtment at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS !

WOMAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS . . !

Element : Woman

Symbol : Wo

Discoverer : Adam

Atomic Mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg but may vary from 40 to 100Kg

Occurance : Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1) Surface usually covered in painted film
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3) Melts if given special treatment
4) Bitter if used incorrectly
5) Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct ares

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1) Has great affinity for gold, silver and precious stones
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3) May explode spontaneously without warning and for no reason
4) Insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
5) Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES

1) Highly ornamental, especially if young and in sports car
2) Can be a great aid to relaxation and relief of stress
3) Very effective cleaning agent
4) Good examples are able to cook and prepare feasts

TESTS

1) Pure specimens turn rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

POTENTIAL HAZARDS

1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2) Illegal to possess more than one specimen, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as the specimens do not come into direct contact     with each other

An Indian Mystery . . !

Finally someone has cleared this up for me . . .

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.   Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.   On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a service station, a kebab shop or a take away cafe in Australia.

If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones, giving technical advice to AT&T and Microsoft customers in Australia.

10 Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter . . !

I thought all you fathers out there with daughters would enjoy this.

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.   Be exactly on time, with flowers, and a clear plan for the events of the evening.   Any deviation from the pre-approved plan is done at your own risk.
And trust me ... my intel sources are very, very good.

2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me.   Or when I'm not around.   People are watching.   You don't know who, or where, but they are watching.   You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.   If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will use my Kabar to remove them, and feed them to the Rottweilers out back.

3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.   Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.   Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:   You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.   However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.   And I do mean securely.

4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.   Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.   Just like cancer.   Painfully and slowly.

5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.   The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely home, and the only word I need to hear is "early".

6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.   This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.   Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I'll make you cry.   A lot.

7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.   My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.   Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my truck or rotating the tires ?   The shed could use some paint too.   Just watch out for the Rottweilers.   They get a little testy with strangers.

8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter . . . Places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool . . . Places where there are no parents, police, or nuns within eyesight . . . Places where alcohol or drugs are being consumed . . . Places where there is darkness . . . Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or any kind of happiness . . . Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.   Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. movies which feature guns, or angry fathers killing would be suitors with chain saws are okay.   Hockey games are also okay . . . knitting at an old folks home is better.

9. Do not lie to me.   I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.   But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.   If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.   I have a shotgun, a shovel, a sack of lye, and five acres behind the house.   Do not trifle with me.   Maybe you'd like a 'tour' of the property ?

10. Be afraid.   Be very afraid.   It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.   When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to lock and load the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.   As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Move slowly.   Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.   No 'good night' or 'thanks' are necessary.   Shut up and keep moving.   The camouflaged face looking through the night vision scope of the sniper rifle resting on the window sill is mine.

Autumn Love Song . . . !

I will seek and find you . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

A Birthday Present . . !

A woman filed for divorce from her husband because she asked for something for her birthday, any style or color, that would go from 0 to 200 fast.

He gave her a bathroom scale.

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book . . . It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss... . . . the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal       fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a       condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.   I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him      rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will.

     He said, "Will ?   What Will ?   I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager ? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

Investments..!

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Tonto . . !

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.   As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.   He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.   As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure ?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business . . . I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.

He swallowed hard.   Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention ?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there ?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.   Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.   I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you.   I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Diary of a Snow Shoveller

December 8 - 6:00 PM   It started to snow.   The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.   It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.   So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.   I love snow !

December 9   We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.   What a fantastic sight !   Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world ?   Moving here was the best idea I've ever had !   Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.   I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.   This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life !

December 12   The sun has melted all our lovely snow.   Such a disappointment !   My neighbour tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas.   No snow on Christmas would be awful !   Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.   I don't think that's possible.   Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14   Snow, lovely snow !   8 inches last night.   The temperature dropped to -20.   The cold makes everything sparkle so.   The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks.    This is the life!   The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.   I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15   20 inches forecast.   Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.   Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer.   The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.   I think that's silly.   We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16   Ice storm this morning.   Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.   Hurt like hell.   The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17   Still way below freezing.   Roads are too icy to go anywhere.   Electricity was off for 5 hours.   I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.   Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.   God I hate it when she's right.   I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20   Electricity's finally back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.   More shovelling !   Took all day.
The damn snowplough came by twice.   Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.   I think they're lying.   Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.   Might have another shipment in March.   I think they're lying.   Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.   I think he's lying.

December 22   Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss.   By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.   Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy.   I think the *sshole is lying.

December 23   Only 2 inches of snow today.   And it warmed up to 0.   The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she ?   Nuts ?   Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago ?   She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24   6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, l broke the shovel.   Thought I was having a heart attack.   If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been !   Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.

December 25   Merry f---ing Christmas !   20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in.   The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil.   God, I hate the snow !   Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude.   I think she's a fricking idiot.   If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26   Still snowed in.   Why the hell did I ever move here ?   It was all HER idea.   She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27   Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;   plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28   Warmed up to above -20.   Still snowed in.   The BITCH is driving me crazy !!!

December 29   10 more inches.   Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am ?

December 30   Roof caved in.   I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.   The wife went home to her mother.   Nine more inches predicted.

December 31   I set fire to what's left of the house.   No more shovelling.

January 8   Feel so good.   I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.   Why am I tied to the bed ?

Mathematics . . !

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And, look how far arse kissing will take you.

A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 131%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Arse-kissing that will put you over the top !

Men ! From a Womans' Viewpoint

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.......Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ......Weather...... . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like........ Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like...... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara ....... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .........Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like........ Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ......Parking Spots ..........All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

The Coins . . !

A man goes to visit a nearby neighbour who has a young son.   As they chat, the neighbour comments that his son has to be one of the most stupid kids around.

"For instance" he says, "I get him to play this little game I've dreamed up . . . I'll put a dollar bill on the table and next to it, I'll put two 25 cent coins.  Then I'll tell him he can have either the dollar bill or the coins.   He'll pick the coins.   It never fails."

At that moment the lad comes into the room and the father asks if he wants to play the game again.    Sur enough, the boy picks the coins.

Later, the man sees the boy at the ice cream parlor and asks him why he picked the coins instead of the dollar.

The boy answered:  "The day I pick the dollar, the game will be over !"

Thoughts on Marriage . . !

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
DavidBissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;  they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry.   If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.   If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question ... which I have not been able to answer ... is, 'What does a woman want ?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.   We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.   A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays . . . I go Fridays.'
Henny Youngman

'I don't worry about terrorism.   I was married for two years.'
Sam Kinison

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.   It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.   The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming . . .
  1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
  2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once ...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married ?   Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.   Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
MiltonBerle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:  'Wife wanted'.   Next day he received a hundred letters.
   They all said the same thing:  'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER ?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table ?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU, IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Why are you still talking ?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME ?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at ?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST.    I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Banned from Walmart . . !

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store.   We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.   We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.  Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.   All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed
below.

Mr. Waldo Feelgood
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department

MEMO

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks “Why can't you people just leave me alone ?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"
(And ..... last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while, then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.   Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.   "Hello ?"

"Is your daddy home ?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him ?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,  "Is your Mommy there ?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her ?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,  "Is anybody else there ?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman ?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what ?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise ?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for ?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle......."ME !”

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.   If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.   Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.   Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.   Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.   Dry with towel the size of a small country.   Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.   If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.   If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.   Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.   Wash your face.   Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.   Make a Shampoo Mohawk.   Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.   Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.   If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

 What's your Southern Sign ?

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)   Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside.   Okras have tremendous influence.    Older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere.   You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)   Chitlins come from humble backgrounds.   A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning.   In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you.   They can erupt like Mt. Vesuvius.   Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20)   You have an overwhelming curiosity.   You're unsatisfied with the surface of things and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.   Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger.   You love to stay busy and tend to work too much.   Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20)   You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.   A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here.   You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea.   It's not going to be easy.   You always have a big smile and are happy.   This might be the year to think about aerobics.   Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21)   When confronted with life's difficulties possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't bother me about it" attitude.   Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead.   This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you.   You are a rare breed.   Most folks love to watch you work and play.   You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)   Crawfish is a water sign.   If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler.   Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room.   You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good hands.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)   Collards have a genius for communication.   They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them.   Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers.   As far as your personal life goes, if you are a Collard, stay away from Crawfish.   It just won't work.   Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)   Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.   You Catfish are never easy people to understand.   You run fast.   You work and play hard.   Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most.   Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)   Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.   You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.   You love to travel, so maybe you should think about joining a club.   Where do you like to go ?   Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time.   If you can go somewhere where they have all these things that serves you well.   You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)   You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.   Unfortunately, those who know you best ~ your friends and loved ones ~ may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.   On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)   Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.   You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.   You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting.   You can sit next to anybody.   However, you, also, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)   You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside.  A good evening for
you ?   Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects.   You are a throwback.   You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends.   You're not concerned with anything about today.   You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.   You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat mating possibility.   Not every mole hill has to be a mountain.

This Year's "Stella Awards" . . You ain't going to believe this !

I was just e-mailed this . . . It makes me want to puke !

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual “Stella Awards”.   The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM).   That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.   Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas , was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.   The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.   Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol , Pennsylvania , was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage.   He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.   He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.   The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.   He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.   He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish.   The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000.   In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd.

4th Place :
Jerry Williams of Little Rock , Arkansas , was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.   The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place :
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania , $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone).   The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place :
Kara Walton of Claymont , Delaware , successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.   This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room.

1st Place :
This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma .   Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.   On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich.   Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.   Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this.   The jury awarded her $1,750,000, plus a new motor home.   The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

THIRTY THOUGHTS TO MAKE YOU SMILE . . !

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences . . . he thought he was God, and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity . . . I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me !
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously;   no one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot . . . some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind.   Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil . . . the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people . . . he made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness:   That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again ?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it !
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
19. Procrastinate Now !
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts.   Do You Want Fries With That ?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23. Stupidity is not a handicap.   Park elsewhere !
24.They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs . . . a day's work for a chicken . . . a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point-and-click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Words Women Use . . !

"FINE"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

"FIVE MINUTES"
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.   Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

"NOTHING"
This is the calm before the storm.   This means "something," and you should be on your toes.   Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

"GO AHEAD"
This is a dare, not permission.   Don't do it.

"LOUD SIGH"
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men.   A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

"THAT'S OKAY"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.   "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

"THANKS"
A woman is thanking you.   Do not question it or faint.   Just say you're welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology !   And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!   Oh, and before we forget . . .

"WHATEVER"
. . . it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU !

Advice for Women . . . !

Learn to work the toilet seat.   You're a big girl.   If it's up, put it down.   We need it up . . . you need it Down.   You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not Quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again !

Sometimes we are not thinking about you.  Live with it.

Sunday = Sports.   It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.   Let it be.

Don't cut your hair.   Ever.   Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.   One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Shopping is NOT a sport.   And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.   Ask for what you want.   Let us be clear on this one:   Subtle hints do not work !   Strong hints do not Work !
Obvious hints do not work !   Just say it !

We don't remember dates.   Mark birthdays and Anniversaries on the calendar.   Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops.   What Makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which Pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress ?

"Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.   That's what we do.   Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that last for 17 months is a problem.   See a doctor.

Check your oil !   Please.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.   In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret Girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are.   Don't ask us.   We refuse to answer.

If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.   Not both.   If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.   Get over it.   And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows Default settings.   Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.   Pumpkin is also a fruit.   We have no idea what Mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched.   We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be.   Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.    If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.   We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.   Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

It is neither in your best interest, nor ours, to take the quiz together.   No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Yes . . . we know we have to Sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, we really don't mind that ?   It's like camping.

We are in shape.   ROUND is a shape. !

Obituary . . !

London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense . . . Interesting and sadly rather true !


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.   No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.   He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:   knowing when to come in out of the rain;   why the early bird gets the worm;   Life isn't always fair;   and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies . . . (don't spend more than you can earn), and reliable strategies . . . (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.   Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;   teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;   and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;   but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;   and criminals received better treatment than their victims.   Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.   She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,  Truth and Trust;   his wife, Discretion;   his daughter, Responsibility;   and his son, Reason.   He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;   I Know My Rights,   I Want It Now,   Someone Else Is To Blame,   and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.   If you still remember him, pass this on.   If not, join the majority and do nothing.'

 Mens Guide to Tools . . !

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the     chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.   Also removes     fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "**** !!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle:   It transforms human energy into a crooked,     unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VICE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.   If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to     the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.   Also handy for igniting     the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating     that 9/16 or 1/2" socket you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack     handle firmly under the bumper.

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise;   used mainly for removing dog      faeces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined      screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The homebuilder's own tanning booth.   Sometimes called droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the       sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night.   Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt       light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.       More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt;   can also be       used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power station 200 miles away and transforms it into       compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford,       and rounds them off or twists them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts       not far from the object we are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;   works       particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.

So there you have it: a complete description of the tools all men need, and occasionally use correctly.

 Long Long Ago . . !

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras.   One's image was either sculpted or painted.   Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.   Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted.   Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.
Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
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As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year , (May and October)!   Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs.   Wealthy men could afford goo