The Egg Farmer and the Prize Winning Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.   He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.  The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.   Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.   Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.    But one particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all !   John went to investigate.   The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.   The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.   But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.   He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result . . . The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making.   Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention ?

Elmo . . . !

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the 'Tickle Me Elmo' toys.    The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

Well . . . Lena is hired at the "Tickle Me Elmo" factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m.    The next day at 8:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.    The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.    At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles at hand.    The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.    After several minutes of hysterics he pull's himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday . . .

"Your job is to give Elmo two "test tickles"

Take your Partners . . !

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise . . . the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in !    And then the trouble started . . . !

Dolly Parton vs Queen Elizabeth

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.   The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles.   Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about ?   I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.   She spits into a commode and she gets in ! Would you explain that to me ?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are !'

The Negligee . . !

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.   He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price;   the more sheer, the higher the price.   Naturally , he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes it home.   He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "Now here's an idea.   It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.   I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief ! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it !"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin

Complaints . . !

According to Thomas Cook, the major travel agency in the UK, some holidaymakers are just never satisfied.   Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years:

1.   On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.   I don't like spicy food at all.

2.   The beach was too sandy.

3.   I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.

4.   It rained on my birthday.

5.   Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned.   The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

6.   I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

7.   It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons.    I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

8.   We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader . . . only to find out they were fake.

9.   None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn't taste the same as at home.

10   I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort.   It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.

Firing Squad . . !

Bill Clinton is placed against the wall, and just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake !"

The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the confusion.

John Kerry is the second one placed against the wall.   The squad is reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Bill has done.   Before the order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!"

Again the squad falls apart and Kerry slips over the wall thus making his escape.

The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall.   He is thinking,  "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall."   As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he smirks his famous smirk and yells . . .

"Fire !"

The Light Bulb . . !

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.   I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.   So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker, (who's blonde), asked me what I was doing ?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.   A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out.   Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.   When my co-worker, (the blonde), followed me, the Boss said to her . . .

"And where do you think you're going ?"

She said, "I'm going home too . . . I can't work in the dark !"

Traveling Salesmen . . . !

Two traveling salesmen are seated in a compartment of a passenger train heading North from London to Edinburgh.   After a few minutes they introduce themselves and start to chat.   Salesman #1, named Bill, takes out his cigarette case, opens it and offers it to Salesman #2 . . . Jack !

Bill:   Care for a fag ?

Jack:   No thanks, old chap ... I don’t smoke ... tried it once and didn’t like it !

Some hours later they arrive at York station where they had to change trains, with an hour or two lay-over.   They head over to the Station Buffet for some refreshments.

Bill:   I say, Jack ... would you care for a double Scotch ?
Jack:   No thanks, Bill ... I don’t drink alcoholic beverages ... tried it once and didn’t like it !

They board their fresh train and again head North.   They chat for a while, discussing their respective product lines, their hobbies and families.   At one point Bill gets out his wallet and shows Jack several photos of his wife and five kids.   Jack, not to be outdone, takes out his wallet and shows Bill photos of his wife and son.

Bill:   Your only son I presume, Jack ?

The Milk of Human Kindness . . . !

We may dispense 'mother's milk' in small doses to people for whom we feel compassion and love.   Shall we ever develop as beings to the point of letting go of all fear and loving every global neighbour absolutely ?

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.   And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine ?

Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.   Who do you want to give a Valentine to ?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden ?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.   And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.   And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.   "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the S**t out of him."

The Hit Man . . !

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you ?   My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.   Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living ?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking !" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.  "Here you go . . . this is the tool of my trade."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look ? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right.   This sight is fantastic.   I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.   Ha, Ha, I can see she's naked !!   Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her . . . He's naked, too !!! "

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit ?"

"I'll do a flat rate deal, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now ?"

"Sure, what do you want ?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been a mouthy cow, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then do the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not ?" said the friend impatiently . . .

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here . . ."

Advice to the Lovelorn . . !

Why men don't write advice columns . . .

Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here.   The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.   I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.   I walked back home to get my husband's help.   When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.   He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.   I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.   When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back.   But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him.   He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.   I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.   I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.   Can you please help ?

Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults.   Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.   If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks.   If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber .   I hope this helps.

Just like Frank . . !

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.   He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,   "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger:  "Who ?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.   He's a guy who did everything right - all the time.   Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.   He was a terrific athlete.   He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.   He could golf with the pros.   He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star . . . and you should have heard him play the piano.   He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer.   Could remember everybody's birthday.   He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.   He could fix anything.   Not like me.   I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
But Frank Feldman . . . he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me . . . I always seem to get stuck in them.  But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;   and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man !  He never made a mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow.   How did you meet him ?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him ?"

Cabbie: "I married his flaming widow."

The Surrogate . . !

The Browns were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.  On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Brown kissed his wife and said,  "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

After he left Mrs. Brown showered, prettied herself up in her most alluring negligee and sat awaiting the arrival of the surrogate father.
Half an hour later, just by chance, Roger, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam, I've come to . . ."

"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs Brown cut in.

"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well . . . good !   I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start ?"

"Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.  Sometimes the living room floor is fun too . . . . you can really spread out !!"

"Bathtub . . . living room floor ?  No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of . . ." gasped Mrs Brown.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.   I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs Brown muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on top of a bus."

"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs Brown exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs Brown.

"Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.  People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep ?"  asked Mrs Brown, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes" the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate !!   Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Brown leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your . . . ummm . . . equipment?"

"That's right.  Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod ??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.  It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam ? Madam ?"

" Good Lord, she's fainted !!!"

Nine Months Later . . !

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.   They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.   After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.   They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,"  she explained.   "I'm afraid neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.   And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.   Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.   They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.   It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,  "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from . . . ?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did,"

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name ?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, but I'm afraid I did.   Why do you ask ?"

"She just died and left me everything."

* (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you ?   Now keep that smile for the rest of the day !)

Six More Dwarfs . . !

I rear ended a car a few days ago.   The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf.   Man, was he mad !

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT HAPPY !"

So I said, "Then . . . which one are you ?"

Things got really bad after that . . !

The Three Bears . . !

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the table.   She looks into her little bowl.   It is empty.  "Who's been eating my porridge ?"  she squeaks.   Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.  

He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating MY porridge ?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells . . . "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots ?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the friggin' cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish.

And, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good . . . cause I'm only gonna say this one more time .

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FLAMING PORRIDGE YET !!"

The Glasgow Rangers manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland.   Two weeks later, the Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left.   The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.   The lad is a sensation . . . scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers !   The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.   "Hello mum, guess what ?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today . . . we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.   Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

" Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.   Your father got shot in the street and robbed . . . your sister and I were ambushed, gang-raped and beaten . . . your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry !"

"Sorry ? Sorry ?" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow from Baghdad in the first place !"

The Mud-Hole . . !

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.   After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer,  "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

Can't", replied the farmer . . . "At night I haul water for the hole !"

The Pirate . . !

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,  "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.   What happened ?   You look terrible."

"What do you mean ?" said the pirate,  "I feel fine."

Bartender:  "What about the wooden leg ?   You didn't have that before."

Pirate:   "Well, we were in a battle at sea and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook ?   What happened to your hand ?"

Pirate:   "We were in another sea battle.   I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.   My hand was cut off.   I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

Bartender:   "What about that eye patch ?"

Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and it was a fine sunny day.   A flock of birds flew over.   I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap ?"

Pirate: "It was my first day with the new hook !"

The Castaway . . !

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a Holiday.   He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life . . . that is, until the ship sank.   He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing . . . only bananas and coconuts.   After about four months of this, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from ?   How did you get here ?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island.   I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this old thing ?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island.   The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.   I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools ?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.  "On the south side of the Island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.   I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.   I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.   After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.   As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.   Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.   While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.   As they walk into the house, she says
casually, "It's not much but I call it home.   Sit down, please.   Would you like a drink ?"

"No !   No thank you,"  he blurts out, still dazed.   "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice",  winks the woman.  "I have a still.   How would you like a Pina Colada ?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.   After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,  "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.   Would you like to take a shower and shave ?   There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.   There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.   "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next ?"   When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,  "We've been out here for many months.  You've been lonely.   There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now . . . something you've been longing for ?"   She stares into his eyes . . .

He can't believe what he's hearing.   "You mean . . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes . . .

"Bleeding hell, woman . . . don't tell me you've got Sky Sports on TV as well ?"

The Bacon Tree . . !

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.   They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden . . .

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell ?   Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."

"Si, Luis . . . eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.   There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture . . . there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon . . . every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved !   Eet EES a bacon tree !"

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage ?   We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon . . . ees no meerage . . . it ees a bacon tree."

With that . . . Luis races toward the tree.   He gets to within 5 metres, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.   It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe . . . go back man, you was right . . . ees not a bacon tree !"

"Luis, Luis, mee amigo....what is it ?"

"Pepe . . . ees not a bacon tree . . . Ees . . . Ees . . . Ees . . . Ees . . .

. . . Eeees a HAM BUSH !!!

Hmmmm . . ?

1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.   The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.   The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.   One says to the other:  "Does this taste funny to you ?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
   "That sounds like you may have Tom Jones Syndrome."
   "Is it common ?"
   "Well,  It's Not Unusual !"

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.   Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
   "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
   "It's true, no bull !" exclaims Daisy."

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.   He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !"
     The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?   A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.   The one turns to the other and says "Dam !".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.   Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
     you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
     victories.   After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
      "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
      "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.   One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."   The
     other goes to a family in Spain;   they name him "Juan."
      Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.   Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
      wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.   Her husband responds, "They're twins !   If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal !"

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
      He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
     This made him . . . (Oh, man, this is so bad,       it's good) . . .
     . . . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis !

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns
     would make them laugh.    No pun in ten did. !