Genie In The Lamp . . . !

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish !"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit ?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that ! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific ? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel !! No, think of another wish !"

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . . know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ."

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four ?

Lost Hunters . . . !

These two hunters were out all day crawling over hills and valleys deer hunting.   They had walked many, many miles and had totally lost track of where they were. They decide that they are truly lost and that it might be best to sit a spell and think things through. They start remembering all the stuff they were taught about wilderness survival and about how to get "found" again.

So one of them up and says that they should shoot up into the air every hour . . . three shots to signal for help !

So, the first one fires three shots into the air, and they start a camp fire and wait for help.

An hour is up and nobody shows, so the other guy shoots three shots in to the air.

Another hour and no-one shows up.

Well, they shoot for another 2 hours till sundown with no sign of help so one guy looks at the other and says . . . "I sure hope help comes soon . . . we're runnin outta arrows !"

Kid Stuff . . !

NUDITY

I was out driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked ! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom ! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt !"

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.   During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she added,   "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before ?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.   As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this !"

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.   Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.   "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.   "I can't read . . . I can't write . . . . and they won't let me talk !"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.   Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out."

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear !"

The Three Wishes . . !

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day when they find a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada " POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land." POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;    it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

Hillary Fan ..!

A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of them are Hillary fans.   Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy named Johnny.   The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Hillary fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?"

Johnny answered, "Because I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asked why he's a George Bush fan.

Johnny replied, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny replied, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

Louisiana Drunks . . !

Only a person in Louisiana could think of this.  From the parish where drunk driving is considered a major sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Houma, Louisiana.   After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.   He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.   Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off . . . it was a fine summer night . . . flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron's vehicles left.   At last, when his was the only car in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over, and administered a breathalyzer test.   To his amazement, the breathalyzer gave no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all !
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.  This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Coonass. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

The Years Best Headlines ~ 2007

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus ?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery;   Hundreds Dead

The Half-Wit . . !

A man owned a small potato farm in Houlton, Maine.   An agent from the Maine Wage & Hour Board dropped by on a routine check to see if he was paying proper wages to his hired hands.

"I need a list of your Employees and how much you pay them," said the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "There's a man who's been with me for 3 years.   I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.   Then there's the cook.   She's been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board."   "Finally there's a half-wit who works 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.   He makes about $30 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of scotch every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to . . . the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me." replied the farmer.

Business Cards . . !

Should you be in need of new or intriguing business cards, might I suggest this supplier . . ?

http://www.castleprint.co.uk/contacting-us.html

Are You My Son . . . ?

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.   I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.   The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:   green, red, orange, and blue.   The old man kept staring at him.   The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,   "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life ?

The old man did not bat an eye in his response,  "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.   I was just wondering if you were my son."

The Farmer and his Boys . . !

A farmer had three sons.   One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.

His father said,  "Son, come here."   He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said,  "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car".

The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.   A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.

"Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter."

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.   Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.   While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens.   He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.

His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that ?   He didn't do anything to deserve that."

The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off !"

Romance in Rhyme . . !

The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem ... except that the last line had to be as unromantic .... as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
   Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
   That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
   This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
   But I only slept with you because I was p*ss*d .

5. I thought that I could love no other,
   That is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you,
   But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace,
   But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
   Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
   What have you stepped in to smell this way ?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
   Except for maybe "Go to hell."

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme ?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

The Blind Parachutist . . !

A blind man wins a parachute jump in a raffle and travels to the airfield on the day of the jump.   Along with others he receives training before he jumps.

The instructor tell him that there should'nt be any problems just because he's blind and tell him once he has jumped out of the aircraft to count to 5 and pull the release ring. he will then float gently to earth.   The instructor went on to say when he is about 6ft from the ground he should bend his legs slightly to cushion the impact.

The blind man says "How will I know when I'm 6ft from the ground ?"

The instructor says . . . "The lead from your guide dog will go slack !"

The Note . . !

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.   Then, he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.   It was addressed, “Dad.".   With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands . . .

Dear, Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.   I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.   I have been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.   But it's not only the passion, Dad . . . she is pregnant !   Stacy said that we would be very happy.   She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.   Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana does not, really hurt anyone.   We will be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.   In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.   She sure deserves it !!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 now, and I know how to take care of myself.   Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love . . . your son,
John.

P.S.   Dad, none of the above is true.   I'm over at Tommy's house.   I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.   I love you !   Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Sensual Awareness . . !

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Bill and Mary listened to the instructor declare  "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.   He addressed the men.

"Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?"

Bill leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,  "Self -raising, isn't it ?"

Thus began Bill's life of celibacy . . .

The Closet . . !

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.   She's not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet during their meetings.   Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.   The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here"

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it ?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much ?"

Boy: "$250."

So, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much ?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,"Grab your glove.    Let's go outside and toss the baseball !"

The boy says, "I can't.   I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for ?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.    That is way more than those two things cost.   I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."   They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Oh no !   Not you again."

Union Rules . . !

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.   When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house ?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get ?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered .

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.   His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.   We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get ?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.   He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.   "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.   Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, ". . . but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next !"

Girls Night Out . . !

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.   Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.   Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.   Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.   She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.   After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,  "These girl nights out have got to stop !   I'm starting to suspect the worst . . . my wife came home with no panties !!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you !"

Did I read that sign right ?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER.   PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:   PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.   WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN ?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS   PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1'ST FLOOR

Notic e in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE,   BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Abbreviations . . !

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.   While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know . . . ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know . . . ''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know . . . ''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know . . . ''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her . . . ''What are you ?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know . . . Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc.''

Waiting for a Haircut . . ?

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?"   The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours"   The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut ?"   The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 3 hours."   The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, how long before I can get a haircut ?"   The barber looked around the shop and said. "About an hour and half."   The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill, do me a favour.   Follow that guy and see where he goes.   He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."   A little while later, Bill returned to the shop laughing hysterically.

The Barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves here ?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,   "He goes round to your house !"

 Noisy Limeys . . !

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye . . . (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway ) . . . went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.   After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him . . . (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald ?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people.   The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop.   The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald !   How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours ?"

"Mother, I do nothing.   I just ignore them.   I just stay here quietly . . . playing my bagpipes !"

 Eulogies . . !

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked,  "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you ?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say . . . Look . . . He's Moving !"

The Cannibals . . !

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.   "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.  "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.   Four weeks later their boss remarked,  "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work.   However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.   Do any of you know what happened to her ?"

The cannibals all shook their heads  'No !'

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,  "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?"

A hand rose hesitantly.   "You fool !" the leader continued . . . "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But NOOOOOO, . . . you had to go and eat someone who actually does something !"

A Bottle of Wine . . !

A gentleman diner asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at another table.   The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,  "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.   The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:  "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants".

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.   He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return it to the woman.   It read: "For your information . . . I have a Ferrari 360 Spyder, an Aston Martin DB9, a Mercedes SL600 and a Porche Turbo in my garages.   I have over twenty million dollars in my bank account . . . but not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut two inches off."

"Just send the bottle back !"

Phone Service . . !

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help ?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir ?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

          * * * * *
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack ?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.   Now, can you give me the number for Jack ?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

          * * * * *
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"

          * * * * *
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car ?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct ?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label;   Woven in Scotland ".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu ?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK.   Right-Click again.   Do you see a pop-up menu ?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir.   Can you tell me what you have done up until this point ?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:   "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed ?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there ?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.   If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I
have my file back again ?".

 Computer Diagnostics . . !

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike  'My elbow hurts like hell.   I suppose I'd better see a Doctor !"

'Listen mate, don't waste your time down at the surgery', Mike replies.   'There's a diagnostic computer at Walmart.   Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.   It takes ten seconds and only costs five dollars . . . a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Walamart Card points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.   He deposits five dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.   He pours the sample into the slot and waits.   

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow.   Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.   It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.   He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.   Jack hurried back to Walmart, eager to check what would happen.   He deposits five dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard.   Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm.   Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit.   Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant.   Twins.   They aren't yours.   Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better . . .

Thank you for shopping at Walmart !

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf . . !

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.   Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course.   The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been know to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have the proper rain gear along just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.   Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.  Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.   Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.    More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged;   however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course.   Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.   For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses

Great One-liners . . !

1. A bicycle can't stand alone;   it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow;   fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts;   in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road:   poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia :   The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted:   'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture:   a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

And might I add . . .

It is better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.

The Jockey . . !

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.   His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.   The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.   The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."   Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No . . . I'm serious !   The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Out of Gas . . !

A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block ?"

Mum replies, "No . . . because she is on heat."

What does that mean ?" asked the child

"Go ask your father.   I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block ?   I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle ?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home !!"

The Bronze Rat . . !

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.   After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.   He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.   This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.   He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.   Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:  "Ah, you've come back for the story then ?"

"No," said the tourist. "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric,  a poof,  a West Bromwich Albion supporter . . . and anything French !"

Daryl . . !

Four guys were at deer camp.   They had to bunk two to a room.   No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.   They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.   The other two said, "Man, what happened to you ?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was the second guy's turn.   In the morning, same thing . . . hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.   The other two said, "Man, what happened to you ?   You look awful !"

He said, "Man,that Daryl shakes the roof.   I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn.   Frank was a big burly ex-football player;  a man's man.   The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.   The other two couldn't believe it !

He looked rested and wide awake.   They asked, "Man, what happened ?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.   I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night.   Daryl sat up and watched me all night !"

The Sandals . . !

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.   They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.   From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,  "You foreigners !   Come in.   Come into my humble shop !"

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said,  "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in . . . Dey make you wild at sex."

The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.  The husband asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak ?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon.   You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on."

So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.   As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years !   In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. T

The Jamaican then began screaming,  "You got dem on da wrong feet !   Man, you got dem on da wrong feet . . . !"

The Greeter . . !

A very loud, unattractive, overweight, hard-faced woman walks into Walmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.   The door greeter says, "Good morning Ma'am, and welcome to Walmart.   Nice children you've got there . . . are they twins ?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:  "Of course they bloody aren't !   The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's only 7 . . . Why the hell would you think they're twins ? . . . Do you think they even look alike, ya dickhead ?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would want to screw you twice !"

The Teapot . . !

Charlie was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Ann to the local hardware shop.   While at the shop Mary Ann saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for John, the manager, to finish serving another customer.

When John was finished, Mary Ann asked "How much for the teapot ?

John replied, "That's silver and it costs 150 pounds."

"My goodness, that really is a lot of money !" Mary Ann exclaimed.   She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and John went to the back room to find it.

From the back room John yelled, "Mary Ann, you wanna screw for that hinge ?"

Mary Ann replied, "No, but I will for the teapot !"

This is why you can't send a woman to to your hardware shop !

Casual Snippets . . !

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit ?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit ?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water ?
You Boil The H--- Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall ?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long ?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work ?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours ?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers ?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand ?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow ?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire ?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches ?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup ?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs ?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils ?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive ?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic ?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down ?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver ?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang !
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack !

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same ?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ST. TITLEIST . . !

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.   Grantland Rice

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child.   Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.   John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.    Robert Lynd

If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.    Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but dont believe them.   Golf is more complicated than that.    Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, theyd starve to death.    Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.    William Wordsworth

If you drink, dont drive . . . Dont even putt.    Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you dont have to waste energy going back to pick it up.    Tommy Bolt

Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hold-in-one.    Bishop Sheen

I dont say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, theyd come up sliced.    Arnold Palmer

My handicap ?   Woods and irons.    Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.    Pete Dye

Im hitting the woods just great;   but having a terrible time getting out of them !    Buddy Hackett

The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.    Billy Graham

If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.    Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.    Mark Twain

Dont play too much golf.   Two rounds a day are plenty.    Harry Vardon

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.    Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.    Ben Hogan

If I hit it right, its a slice.   If I hit it left, its a hook.   If I hit it straight, its a miracle.    All Us Hackers

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you cant improve your lie.    George Deukmejian

FINALLY . . .

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a set of bagpipes.    Lee Trevino

Standardisation . . !

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4' 8.5".   That is an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used ?
It is because that was the way railways were built in England, and British expatriates built the US railroads.
So why did the English build them like that ?
This is because the first rail lines were constructed by the same people who built the pre-railroad horse drawn tramways, and that is the gauge they used.
Why did they use that gauge then ?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons.
Okay !   Why did the wagons have that particular odd width between the wheels ?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would not match the ruts on the old, long distance highways.
So who built those old rutted roads ?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions.   The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads ?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which became the standard rut.   Otherwise your wagon would not fit and would break.   And, long before the EU, it was the same standard for the whole of Europe.    The USA standard railroad gauge of 4' 8.5" is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
And why pray did the Imperial Roman war chariots come up with this standard size ?
Easy.   So that two Imperial Roman horses could fit into the shafts of an Imperial Roman war chariot (or the back end of two war horses if you prefer).

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.   These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.    The SRBs are made in a factory in Utah.   The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.   The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel.   The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.   The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.   So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's arse !

And you thought you had trouble with standardisation !

Make Believe . . !

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the station one day when he notices the little girl across the road.   She has a cart with ladders on either side, and a garden hose coiled in the middle.   She is wearing a firemans hat and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.

"That's a lovely fire engine"  the fireman says admiringly.

"Thanks" said the girl.   The fireman looks closer and notices the cart is tied to the dogs collar and the cats testicles.

"Little colleague" started the fireman " I don't want to tell you how to run your station, but if you tied the string round the cats' collar you would probably go faster"

The little girl pauses for a moment looks at the cart, then the dog, then the cat and finally back at the fireman and says . . .

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren . . . would I ?"

Goal in Life . . !

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.   So one day, while the boy was away at school, his father, a preacher, decided to try an experiment.   He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.   If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be !   If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.   But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.   And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.   The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.   With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.   He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.   He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,'  the old preacher disgustedly whispered,  'He's gonna be a politician !'