 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
FRANCE . . . A LITTLE HISTORY . .
. ! This one, however, 'says it all', regarding what the basic philosophy of our country is all about, and how we are received around the world. At a French airport... A group of American retired teachers recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, was part of the tour group. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on. "You have been to France before, Monsieur ?" the Customs Officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible!" barked the officer. "Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France." The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." Comments found in just one Associated Press release .... ! What price security ? 081006-1 Gabby Yank Officials Again !!! An American law enforcement official who was briefed on the investigation said it appeared the liquid to be used was a "peroxide-based solution" to be detonated by an electronic device that was not specified, but could be anything from a disposable camera to a portable digital music player. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because British authorities had asked that no information be released. 081006-2 ... and again ... ! Two U.S. counterterrorism officials said the terrorists had targeted United, American and Continental airlines. They spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the case. 081006-3 .... Yep - the French too ... ! While British officials declined to publicly identify the 24 suspects, French Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy said in Paris they "appear to be of Pakistani origin." He did not give a source for his description, but said French officials had been in close contact with British authorities. 081006-4 ... ... and for good measure ... ! A senior U.S. counterterrorism official said authorities believe dozens of people — possibly as many as 50 — were involved in the plot. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the situation. A History Lesson . . . ! Many, many years ago, humans only existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. Once beer was discovered it required
grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the
glass bottle nor aluminum can had been invented yet, so while
our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for this
to happen, they just stayed close to the brewery. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known today as "the Conservative Movement." Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of what we now know as the "Liberal Movement". In later years, through the process of natural evolution, some of these Liberal men eventually developed into a new species known as women .... the rest became known as 'girliemen.' Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are more often symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to the above before simply laughing and forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true believers". PR Folk at Work . . ! Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives . . . convicted and hanged in 1889." Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch: "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy
in the MontanaTerritory. His business empire
grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning
in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a
government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings
with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player
in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective
Agency. And THAT is how it's done, folks ! Three Thoughts for the Day . . ! 1- Zero Gravity When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again -- enjoy paying them. 2 - Our Constitution They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours ? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. 3 - Ten Commandments The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ! It creates a hostile work environment. The real danger to us from the Middle East . . ! This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America 's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps. Jogging Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. "Fifty dollars !" she would shout from the curb. "No, Five dollars!" he would, jokingly, fire back. This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars !" And he'd yell back,"Five dollars!" One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his daily jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realised that the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should better have a darn good explanation for the Junior Senator. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was that hooker again ! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past her. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five bucks !" . . . or maybe you prefer the English version . . . Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No ! Five
pounds !" He would fire back, just to shut her up. This
ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd yell back, "Five pounds !" One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer . . . And Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard !" Government Correspondence ..! Rt Hon David Miliband MP 16 May 2007 Dear Secretary of State, My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business. In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear ? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkies. Are there any advantages in not rearing breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these ? As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this ? My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100 ? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year ? As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases. Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear ? I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields ? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares) ? In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election. Yours faithfully, (Name Withheld) The Gold Urinal Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too . . . but I wouldn't do something that self indulgent !" Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill . . . "I found out who pissed in your saxophone." Vote Canvassing . . ! An elderly couple are sitting around
one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are
about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've
had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings.
But there's something I've always wondered about. She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney , three times." "Three times ? How could that happen ?" Sidney asked. Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house ?" "Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney "And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan ?" "Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time ?" "Well," Marsha continued, "Do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation ?" "Yes, of course," said Sidney. "Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost ?" "Yes, I remember," said Sidney. "And as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time ?" "Do you remember when you ran for President of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes ?" Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican ? Here is a little test that will help you decide. You're walking down a deserted street
with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist
with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges
at you. You are carrying a Glock Cal. 40, and you
are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you
and your family. What do you do? Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information
to answer the question ! Does the man look poor ! Or oppressed
? __________________________________________________ ___________________ Republican's Answer: BANG ! __________________________________________________ _____________________ Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy ! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points ?" Son: "Git-r-Dun Pop ! Can I shoot the next one ?" Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist !" A Brief Guide to American Newspapers . . . ! 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country - if they could find the time - and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, Thank You Very Much ! 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. 10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store. AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT Washington Democrats in both houses push for passage.....With strong support from the Eugene City Council and Lane County Commisioners !! AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT - CONGRESSIONAL ACT ~ WASHINGTON, DC (AP) Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition. "Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing." The President pointed to the success
of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of
providing opportunity without regard to performance. Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires. Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-Abled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future ?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job ?" "As a Non-Abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation." Oil ! A lot of folks can't understand how
we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well,
there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to
check the oil. We just didn't know we were
getting low. The reason for that is purely
geographical ! Paternity . . ! When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out # 11 - it takes the prize and # 3 is runner up. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins . . . child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father
of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at
3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met
that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the
father, can you send me his phone number ? 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heels in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man.
I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting
a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
immaculate 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 7. Note: deleted this due to racist answer 8. Peter Smith is the father of child
A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what
he did with my AC/DC CDs ? Child B who was also borned
at 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur.
The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia
Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I'd 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. Yep, you guessed it right. You are all paying taxes to support these dim bulbs. Have a good one !!! Land of the Naive . . . ! Enter Mexico illegally. Never
mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of
that nonsense. Good luck ! You'll be demanding
for the rest of time or soon dead. Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back . . . ! I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America and see what happens . . . Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game. I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts ! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE ? I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability. I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English ! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English ! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO !" I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries ! I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa . . . so how can they be African-Americans" ? Besides . . . Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else. And if you don't like my point of view, tough . . . ! Slap Your Co-Worker Day is coming . . ! Tomorrow is the official "Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday" Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about ? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you ? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty that you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch ? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it ? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am
so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR
IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY ! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day ! Speaking of Weevils . . . . . an anomaly comes to mind. Isn't it fascinating how certain folk of extreme wealth find their way into Federal politics and Government positions under the guise of being extreme left-wing Socialists . . . or as they say in the States . . . Democrats ! A role that entails enacting policies, aimed in cavalier Robin Hood style, and devoted to robbing the rich and giving to the poor . . . yet somehow leaving their own coffers untouched ! A certain alcoholic Massachusetts Senator comes to mind here ! One is reminded of the disgusting spectacle
enacted in the British House of Commons following the Post-WW2
General Election of 1945 ! Can kiss my arse I've got the Foremans' job at last !" A Felon for President . . ? Some 50-odd years ago I received an invitation ! Would I care to emigrate to the USA . . . join a team of scientists and engineers fighting, albeit in the background, in the so-called "Cold War". There was a stipulation that, should I do so, I must make a formal "Declaration of Intent" to become a U.S. citizen, along with undertaking crash "off-campus" studies in U.S. Government, History and Citizenship. As a young aerospace engineer the challenge was exciting and I accepted the invitation. Amongst other things I learned from those Ohio State U. studies was that I could never aspire to become President . . . one had to be born here to achieve that honour. Strangely enough, no such criteria appeared to apply to the post of Vice-President . . . and yet he/she would be the logical successor should the president die in office ! Neither could I be President if I were a convicted felon ! Let's consider this scenario ! I work for a corporation and draw a salary commensurate with my position ! Being ambitious . . . and tolerably intelligent, I find that with a little underhanded juggling I can use some, if not all, of my "company time" to indulge in personal business. A business that advances my goals for personal advancement or agrandisement, and in an arena seperate and apart from that of the company that employs me. For a while I may even "get away with it" ! But . . . continuing the scenario . . . corporate management does discover my fraudulent activities and fires me . . . they may even press charges of fraud . . . taking salary under false pretences . . . a possible conviction as a Felon ! Why this scenario now, you ask ? Well, at this time, here in the USA, we have a situation where at least five members of the US Senate, whose salaries are paid by us, the US citizenry, are not doing the job for which we pay them a relatively large salary. These five . . . Messr's Obama, Biden, Dodd, McCain and Clinton . . . are "playing hookey" . . . and on a "full-time" basis ! Not in an underhanded mode as my scenario outlined, but blatantly and publicly ! Note that this is not the first Presidential election campaign in which this situation has existed . . . nor probably will it be the last under present operating criteria. But being "traditional" does not make it "legal" . . . these folk are stealing from us, and at a felonious level ! Our Constitution spells out many aspects of our private and governmental conduct and has been amended numerous times to accomodate our developing society. Yet I recall nothing in it that says a Senator can "work for himself" while "on company time". Perchance just one of these candidates would have the self-effacing decency to resign from his/her Senatorial position before attempting a Presidential candidacy ? Remember . . . They Vote . . ! Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: The next day someone stole it. Remember: They Vote ! While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North ?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff" She ALSO votes! I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time ?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific". . . . . . . He ALSO votes ! My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . . . . . . . She ALSO votes! My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . . . . . . My sister ALSO votes! My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . . . . . He ALSO votes! I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head ?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . . . . . . . My friend ALSO votes! I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet ? ".. . . . . . . . . She ALSO votes! While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He though about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 . . . . . . . . . Yep, HE votes too. Now you know who elects the politicians ! Signs of the Time . . ! Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack. 1957 - Vice principal comes over to look at Jack's shotgun. He goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2007 - School goes into lock down, and FBI is called. Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail; nobody is arrested; nobody is expelled. 2007 - Police called. SWAT team arrives. Johnny and Mark are arrested and charged with assault. Both are expelled even though Johnny started it.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey is diagnosed with ADD and given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a learning disability.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is placed in foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself, and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with principal out on the smoking dock. 2007 - Police called. Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. Car is searched for drugs and weapons.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given a diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
1957 - Ants die. 2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security, and FBI called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates parents; siblings are removed from home; computers confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Side/Short Arm Control . . ! We constantly hear from the rabidly left-wing political arena . . . mostly the Socialistic Democrats such as Chuck Schumer, and his bosom buddie, Hillary Clinton, along with the Feinstein/Pelosi crowd, that guns are dangerous and should be banned forever. Looking back through some old files, I came across this little gem which came across my desk, possibly some 30 to 40 years ago . . . ! NEW YORK TIMES: - Letters received by our office . . . . Hon. Arthur J. Sills Dear Mr. Sills, Ever since the preliminary discussions regarding our current gun law which bears your name, I have found myself at odds with your thinking. However, your recent response to Senator Longs’ statement regarding the futility of firearms legislation, has completely altered my point of view. When you compared gun ownership with the crimes of arson and rape, I immediately saw your point regarding ownership of objects as being synonymous with the commission of crimes. Just take rape for example. Every male member of society between puberty and senility possesses the equipment necessary for the commission of this act. Obviously, any male having in his possession the normal external genitalia is a potential rapist, just as any gun owner is a potential murderer. Now we must do something about the easy availability of these "instruments of violence", particularly when one considers the recent surgical advances that have been made in the Scandinavian countries. Anyone desiring one of these violent instruments can get one, and no permit is required. It would help if all of these instruments were registered with the Police. While this would, perhaps, pose some slight inconvenience to some so-called sportsmen, it would definitely be in the best interests of the general public, which is now at the mercy of any nut who happens to own one of these weapons. May I therefore seriously and soberly suggest that all male residents of New Jersey between the ages of 12 and 106 be required to register their short arms with the Police, in the same fashion that they must now do with their side arms and shoulder arms. Serial numbers could be tattoed on each one right at the Station House desk with currently available equipment. Some extremists may complain that this is a Nazi-inspired idea, but they should be ignored. Some men, of course, might require longer serial numbers than others, especially if the aesthetic harmony of the instrument is to be preserved. This is especially important if it was made before 1898, and is classified as an antique or decorators item. Whether or not it is in working condition should not be a factor, since the owner could always have it repaired in an undercover manner, and thus be a threat to society. The previously mentioned sportsmen and extremists would also probably complain about the handling fee which would have to be charged. Again, these complaints should be ignored, since it is obvious that no honest man can reasonably object to any procedure which is so important for the common good. All un-registered weapons of this kind should be confiscated immediately by the State, using such force as is necessary. However, in these cases, the handling fee should not be charged, as this would only serve to further irritate the individual in question. He might even seek an injunction, claiming that irreparable damage had been done to him, even though it could hardly be considered more than an inconvenience. As for Constitutional Rights, (and some Right-winger is bound to raise that point), as far as I’m concerned, any man who possesses such an un-registered instrument is obviously planning to rape somebody, and thus should not be entitled to any rights whatsoever. Mr. Sills, if you would but effect this simple expedient, our women . . . Wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, sweethearts . . . Yes . . . even Congresswomen, would sleep better at night, for they would know that they will not be raped. Some of them might even stop carrying the pistols and other firearms, which they now hide . . . illegally of course . . . In their handbags, and which they certainly need for protection under current conditions. In anticipation of your approval of this simple and logical extension of the "Sills’ Bill", I am advocating the immediate enactment of the above procedures into law, and am further asking all my friends to enthusiastically support any political candidate who will work to pass this law which is so sorely needed for the protection of our women of every age, race, creed and national origin. (Name Withheld) * * * * * . . . maybe we should also consider baseball bats, ice hockey sticks and culinary utensils ? 'Nuff Sed . . . ! Don't close the blinds . . . ! The other day, my nine-year-old son wanted to know why we were at war. My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our country again today. I knew that my husband would give him a good explanation. My husband thought for a few minutes and then told my son to go stand in our front living room window. He said "Son, tell me what you see ?" "I see trees and cars and our neighbor's houses." he replied. "OK, now I want you to pretend that our house and our yard are the United States of America and you are President Bush." Our son giggled and said "OK." "Now son, I want you to look out the window and pretend that every house and yard on this block is a different country" my husband said. "OK Dad, I'm pretending." "Now I want you to stand there and look out the window and pretend you see Saddam come out of his house with his wife, he has her by the hair and is hitting her. You see her bleeding and crying. He hits her in the face, he throws her on the ground, then he starts to kick her to death. Their children run out and are afraid to stop him, they are screaming and crying, they are watching this but do nothing because they are kids, and they are afraid of their father. You see all of this, son....what do you do ?" "Dad ?" "What do you do son ?" "I'd call the police, Dad." "OK. Pretend that the police are the United Nations. They take your call. They listen to what you know and saw but they refuse to help. What do you do then Son ?" "Dad . . . but the police are supposed to help " My son starts to whine. "They don't want to Son, because they say that it is not their place or your place to get involved, and that you should stay out of it," my husband says. "But Dad . . . he killed her !!" my son exclaims "I know he did . . . but the police tell you to stay out of it. Now I want you to look out that window and pretend you see our neighbor who you're pretending is Saddam turn around and do the same thing to his children." "Daddy . . . he kills them ?" "Yes Son, he does. What do you do ?" "Well, if the police don't want to help, I will go and ask my next door neighbor to help me stop him" our son says. "Son, our next door neighbor sees what is happening and refuses to get involved as well. He refuses to open the door and help you stop him," my husband says. "But Dad, I NEED help!!! I can't stop him by myself !!" "WHAT DO YOU DO SON ?" Our son starts to cry. "OK, no one wants to help you, the man across the street saw you ask for help and saw that no one would help you stop him. He stands taller and puffs out his chest. Guess what he does next Son ?" "What Daddy ?" "He walks across the street to the old ladies house and breaks down her door and drags her out, steals all her stuff and sets her house on fire and then . . . he kills her. He turns around and sees you standing in the window and laughs at you. WHAT DO YOU DO ?" "Daddy . . . " "WHAT DO YOU DO ?” Our son is crying and he looks down and he whispers, "I'd close the blinds, Daddy." My husband looks at our son with tears in his eyes and asks him. "Why ?" "Because Daddy . . . the police are supposed to help people who need them . . . and they won't help . . . You always said that neighbors are supposed to HELP neighbors, but they won 't help either . . . they won't help me stop him . . . I'm afraid . . . I can't do it by myself Daddy . . . I can't look out my window and just watch him do all these terrible things and . . . and . . . do nothing . . . so . . . I'm just going to close the blinds . . . so I can't see what he's doing . . . and I'm going to pretend that it is not happening." I start to cry. My husband looks at our nine-year-old son standing in the window, looking pitiful and ashamed at his answers to my husband's questions and he says . . . "Son . . ." "Yes, Daddy." "Open the blinds because that man . . . is at your front door . . . WHAT DO YOU DO NOW ?" My son looks at his father with anger and defiance in his eyes. He balls up his tiny fists and looks his father square in the eyes, without hesitation he says . . . "I DEFEND MY FAMILY DAD ! I'M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY SISTER, DAD ! I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM, DAD . . . I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM !!!!!" I see a tear roll down my husband's
cheek and he grabs our son to his chest and hugs him tight, and
says "It's too late to fight him now, son. He's
too strong and he's already at YOUR front door son . . . you
should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife, and his children
and the old lady across the way. You "YOU MUST NEVER BE AFRAID TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE ! BE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN ! BE PROUD OF OUR TROOPS ! SUPPORT THEM ! SUPPORT AMERICA SO THAT IN THE FUTURE OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE TO CLOSE THEIR BLINDS" Political Correctness . . ! FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks ! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols . . . feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Chief shows up dressed as Santa Claus ! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £5 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for Chester House ! The Chief will make a special announcement at that time ! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty ****************************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now ? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty ****************************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table . . . You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this ? Somebody ? Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that £5 is too much money and executives believe £5 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Patty ****************************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR My . . . What a diverse group we are ! I had no idea about the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party ! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work ? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress . . . Yes . . . this is allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics . . . the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry ! Did I miss anything ?!?!? Patty ****************************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR Vegetarian pr**ks - I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ******* salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW ! I hope you all have a rotten holiday ! Drive drunk and die, The B**** from H*** !!!!!!!! ****************************** FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Head of HR I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays ! Joan World War III . . ! President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there ?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour ! What are you guys doing in here ?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." The guy says, "Really ? What's going to happen ?" "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims" says Bush "Oh . . . and one blonde with big boobs" The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs ? Why kill a blonde with big boobs ?" Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a sh!t about the 140 million Muslims". A Tragedy . . ? Prime Minister Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "that's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy ?" Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy called Billy raised his hand . . . In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air Force plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic !" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy ?" "Well," says Billy" it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss . . . and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either !" Politics . . an Explanation ! A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics ?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call
me The President. So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son . . . tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep crap !" Political Reality . . ! While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a lorry and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really . . . I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They were having such a good time, that before he realizes it, it was time to leave. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises . . . The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The politician reflects for a minute, and then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So . . . St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags . . . picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened ?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning . . . Today you voted !" Bird Feeders in Oz . . ? I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back patio and filled it with seed. I thought . . . what a beauty of a bird feeder it is . . . as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building
nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to
the barbecue. Then came the poop. It
was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table
. . . everywhere ! After a while, I couldn't even sit in
my own back garden anymore. So I took down the bird
feeder and in three days the birds were gone. Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than the Southern Cross are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop ! Sounds familiar here in the States, also, doesn't it ? The Queens' Corgi . . ! Prince Charles was backing his Land Rover out of the garage when he ran over the Queen's favorite Welsh Corgi. He got out and found the Corgi dead, squashed to a pulp. Just then a Genie popped up and said "Your highness, I can give you one wish. What would you like ?" The Prince said "This is mummy's favorite dog. Can you bring it back to life ?" The Genie said "Let's
have a look at the dog. Oh no . . . nothing can be
done with this dog . . . you ran over it with the Land Rover
. . . "But you must," says the Prince, "It's mummy's favorite !" "I'm sorry" said the Genie, "there's no way I can bring it back to life." "OK" said the prince, "But do I still have a wish ?" "Yes", said the Genie. "Well", said the Prince, "I'm marrying Camilla in April. Could you make her as beautiful as Diana was ?" The Genie thought for a while then said . . . "Let's have another look at the dog . . !" Government Management . . ! Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2007 10: Life is sexually transmitted. 9: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 8: Men have two emotions: Hungry & Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 6: Some people are like a Slinky . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. 5: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 4: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 3: Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents ? 2: In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions of cows in the UK . . . but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants & terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration Re-instate the Draft . . ? I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.) They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 45. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex
a couple of times a day, leaving us more than Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts ! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry !" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me ... uh ... one." Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too ! I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead
of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up
a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. 2008 Democratic Convention . . !
(Early
Release Schedule of Events) 7:15 pm ~ Pledge of Allegiance to the U. N. 7:20 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 7:25 pm ~ Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton 7:45 pm ~ Ceremonial tree hugging 7:55 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 8:00 pm ~ How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore 8:15 pm ~ Gay Wedding Planning - Barney Frank presiding 8:35 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 8:40 pm ~ Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry 9.00 pm ~ Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon 10:00 pm ~ 'Answering Machine Etiquette' - Alec Baldwin 11:00 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 11:05 pm ~ Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand 11:15 pm ~ Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay -­ Sean Penn 11:30 pm ~ Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton 11:45 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 11:50 pm ~ How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean 12:15 am ~ 'Truth in Broadcasting Award' - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore 12:25 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 12:30 am ~ Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 12:45 am ~ Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi 1:00 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 1:05 am ~ Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton 1:30 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 1:35 am ~ Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home Arabic . . ? Dubya received a handwritten note from Osama bin Laden to prove he was still alive. |