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Food Poisoning . . ! A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs
is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode
your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with
MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of
us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous
of all and we all have, or will, eat it. After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake . . !" Non-Prescription Drugs . . ! A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra ?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work ?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter ?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered. Untouched . . ! A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc ? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin, in every way". The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies . . . look at this then . . . still in the CRATE !" Dentist Appointment . . ! A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction, sir" "£85?", the man replies. "Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper ?" "That's the normal charge," replies the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic ?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off." "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still withoot an anaesthetic ?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40." "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, 'ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin' ?" "Och, now yer talkin' laddie ! It's a deal !" said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then ?" The Prescription . . ! A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide ?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy ! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law ! I'll lose my license ! They'll throw both of us in jail ! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not ! You CANNOT have any cyanide !" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription !" Redneck Medical Terminology If you're a redneck, and wanna be a doctor ... you'll have to know these medical terms: Benign..............What you be after
you be eight. Ode to 'Posterity' . . ? Misunderstood and much maligned Slaving away in the heart of darkness Working where the sun don't shine It's a calling few would crave Lift up your hands and join us Let's all do the finger wave There are many techniques Some spread joy to the world And others just spread cheeks Is their best friend But the colorectal surgeon knows... He'll get you in the end! It's one of those mysterious things. Is it because in that profession There are always openings? He did not quite understand; I said, "Hey nice to meet you But do you mind? We don't shake hands." Because he was a whiz Oh but he never thought of psychology Though he read passages For golf he loved to play But this is not quite what he meant... By eighteen holes a day! Misunderstood and much maligned Slaving away in the heart of darkness Working where the sun don't shine Hospital Call . . ! A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse." The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number ?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302." "I'll connect you with the nursing station." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon." The woman said, "What a relief ! Oh, that's fantastic ... that's wonderful news !" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend !" "Neither . . . I'm Sarah Finkel in 302 ! Nobody here tells me anything !" The Vasectomy . . ! After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough. The welfare folks wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." Trust me . . . it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand... This procedure also works in Bristol, Birmingham, Southampton, parts of Essex, Sunderland, Aberdeen and anywhere in Wales. Decisions . . ! When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised, no rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists each yelled, 'Over my dead body,' while the Pediatricians said, 'Grow up !' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it ! The Physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.' The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say, 'No.' The Dentists clenched their teeth and showed their disapproval. In the end, the Proctologists felt the decision should be up to some arse-hole in Administration Surgery Options . . ! Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians ! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end are interchangeable." Bad Guess . . ! Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is ?" The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think." One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong." Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong. So they asked him: "Well, what do you have ?" The old man said: "I thought it was a fart........... but I was wrong !" The Proctology Exam . . ! A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me !" Country 'n Western . . ! A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again . . . just can't wait to get on the road again . . . !" The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again . . . just can't wait to get on the road again . . . !" "So what ?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen ?" asked the student. "Are you kidding ?", replied the examiner, "Any arse'ole can sing country music." Ouch . . ! A lumber jack was rushed to the hospital after cutting himself badly. The doctor told the nurse to prepare a dose of pain killer. "Don't bother Doc, " said the man. "I've been through a lot worse." "More painful than this ?" the doctor asked. "I'll tell you about the second most painful accident I ever had. I was working in the woods one day and had to take a crap so I dropped my pants and squatted down without looking. I tripped a bear trap and BAM, the thing snapped shut on my nuts !" The doctor winced and said "That's terrible. But if that's only the second, what could be worse ?" The lumber jack replied, "When I jumped up, started to run and came to the end of that chain !" Chinese Medicine . . ! An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis". The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice" The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes . . . Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease !" The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that . . . but what we can do ? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta . . . always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate !" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry ! Wait two weeks . . . fall off by itself ! You save money."
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