Farmer's Divorce . . . !

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.   The attorney asked, "May I help you ?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds ?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case ?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case . . . but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge ?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit ?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything ?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way.   WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE ?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Litigation . . . Only in America !

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY !!
Charlotte, North Carolina. USA.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured >them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.   In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued . . . and WON !    

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.   The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire", and was obligated to pay the claim !   

Rather than endure the lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART . . . After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON !!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest !

ONLY IN AMERICA

The Judge . . !

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer . . .

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.   He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me ?"

She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.   I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie . . . you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.   You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes . . . I know you !"

The lawyer was stunned.   Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked:  "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ?"

She again replied: "Why, yes, I do.   I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster, too.   He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem.   He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire State.   Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.   One of them was your wife.  Yes, I know him !"

The defense attorney almost died.   The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said:   "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

How Many Legs . . !

A lawyer and a Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.   The lawyer asks if the Scotsman would like to play a fun game.   The Scot is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.    The lawyer persists . . . that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5;   you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the Scot's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.    The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon ?'

The Scot doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.    Now, it's the Scot's turn.   He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four ?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references.    He uses the Airphone;   he searches the Net and even the British Library.    He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.    After one hour of searching he finally gives up.   He wakes up the Scot and hands him $500.

The Scot pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.   The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.   He wakes the Scot up and asks,  'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four ?'

The Scot reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Slow or Stop . . ?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.   He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.   He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense !!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for ?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.   License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference ?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.   License and registration, please !"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.   If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair.   Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.   The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the bleep out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down ?"