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Flightline Humour . . ! The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for ?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for ?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost." The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for ?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will." * * * * * * When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month, the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "Broomstick One". And they say the Army has no sense of humor. * * * * * * Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles." Delta 351: "Give us another hint. We have digital watches." * * * * * * One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while an MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself ?" Our hero, the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one." * * * * * * There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach." * * * * * * A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position ?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." * * * * * * Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem ?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine", explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot." * * * * * * "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here ?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727 ? * * * * * * O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this . . . I've got the little Fokker in sight." * * * * * * A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." * * * * * * A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time ?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English ?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war !" * * * * * * Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702 ?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off . . Roger ! And yes, we copied Eastern . . We've already notified our caterers !" * * * * * * The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we, (a Pan Am 747), listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt . . . Speedbird 206 clear of active runway" Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going ?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before ?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes . . . twice in 1944, but it was dark . . . and I didn't land." * * * * * * While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going ? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway ! You turned right on Delta ! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right !" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God ! Now you've screwed everything up ! It'll take forever to sort this out ! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to ! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you ! You got that, US Air 2771 ?" "Yes, ma'am", the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once ?" * * * * * * An oldy but a goody. Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from CASA, and the CASA inspector arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The inspector walked slowly around the
sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing
gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed
Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. "What's that for ?", asked Santa incredulously. The inspector winked and said, "I'm
not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned
over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an
engine on takeoff." As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying
over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers
with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. * * * * * * An old DC3 was ferrying Japanese car parts to a remote Saudi Arabian village. One of the engines cut out and the other started sputtering, so in desperation the crew started dumping the cargo. Down in the dunes Abdul and his wife were plodding along on their camel. "Abdul wake up . . . it's raining Datsun cogs !" * * * * * * From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f*c*ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f*c*ing bored . . . not f*c*ing stupid !" Air Zimbabwe . . ! Good morning, Ladies
and Gentlemen. Air Zimbabwe has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us ! It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 30% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too
noisy for you . . . on passenger request, we can arrange to turn
them off ! To make your free fall to earth pleasant
and memorable, we serve complimentary Stella tea and Rambawaraira
biscuits ! For our not-so-religious passengers, we
are the only airline who can help you find out if there really
is a God! Maintenance Logs . . ! Logged maintenance complaints
and problems submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution by
engineers, Q. Left inside tyre
almost needs replacing. Q. Test flight ok, except
auto-land very rough Q. Dead bugs on windscreen Q. Autopilot in altitude-hold
mode produces a 200ft per minute descent Q. Evidence of leak
on right main landing gear Q. DME volume unbelievably
loud Q. Friction levers cause
throttle levers to stick Q. IFF inoperative Q. Suspected crack in
windsheld Q. No 3 engine missing Q. Aircraft handles
funny Q. Target radar hums Q. Noise under instrument
panel. Sounds like midget with hammer Q. Mouse in cockpit Fighting A War . . . ! A U.S. Marine squad was marching north
of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured
and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road
was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The
Marine was conscious and alert, and as first aid was given to
both men, the squad leader asked the The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman !" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah ? Well so does Hillary Clinton !" "And . . . there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands . . . when a truck hit us." Work ... or Pleasure ... ! The Commanding Officer was about to
start the morning briefing to his Staff and and Company Commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its
brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He
explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before
and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He
posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how
much of it was 'pleasure ?' There being no consensus, the Colonel
turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion ? Speed and Wisdom . . ! A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this !" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that ? The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this !" The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said, "What did you think of that ?" Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do ?" The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun." When you are young and foolish - speed and flash may be a good thing !!! When you get older and smarter - comfort and dull is not such a bad thing !! Dubya and the Pigs . . . ! As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies: "These are not just pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs ... I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry." The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir." Our George . . ! Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning ! He told Bush that 3 Brazilian solders were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the colour drained from Bush's face, and then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked the Defence Secretary, "Just exactly how many is a brazilion ?" THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER ! ( Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this ! ) This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base ? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it ? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children ? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one . . . or are you ? The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines ! GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY . . . ! ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY." MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY... STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION. IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!" Military Maxims . . ! Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fire - won't. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. The easy way is always mined. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. Incoming fire has the right of way. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection-ready unit has ever passed combat. If the enemy is within range, so are you. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. Tracers work both ways. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. Sniper's motto: Reach out and touch someone. The one item you need is always in short supply. Interchangeable parts aren't. When in doubt, empty your magazine. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation. If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. The quartermaster has only two sizes . . . too large and too small. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them. The spare batteries for the PRC - whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio. The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position. The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the bog!! Rules of the Rucksack 1.
No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always
too small. Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places. Armed Forces Rules . . ! Royal Marines Rules: 1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly
to no one. SBS Rules: 1. Look very cool in sunglasses. Paratroop Regiment Rules: 1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound
rucksack while starving. Army Rules: 1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational
order. Royal Air Force Rules: 1. Have a cocktail. Royal Navy Rules: 1. Go to Sea. Hostiles . . ! Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident recently while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great NorthRoad. One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 600 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the NorthSea. Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style: "Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed" A DIFFERENT CHRISTMAS POEM . . .
! I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight. My wife was asleep, her head on my chest, My daughter beside me, angelic in rest. Transforming the yard to a winter delight. The sparkling lights in the tree I believe, Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve. Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep. In perfect contentment, or so it would seem, So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream. But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear. Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow. And I crept to the door just to see who was near. Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night, A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight. All dressed in cammies, huddled here in the cold. Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled, Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child. "Come in this moment, it's freezing out here ! Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve, You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!" Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.. To the window that danced with a warm fire's light. Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right I'm here every night." "It's my duty to stand at the front of the line, That separates you from the darkest of times. No one had to ask or beg or implore me, I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me. My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December," Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers." And now it is my turn and so, here I am. I've not seen my own son in more than a while, But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile. Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag, The red, white, and blue... an American flag. "I can live through the cold and the being alone, Away from my family, my house and my home. I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat. I can carry the weight of killing another, Or lay down my life with my sister and brother... To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall." "So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright, Your family is waiting and I'll be all right." "But isn't there something I can do, at the least, "Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?" It seems all too little for all that you've done, For being away from your wife and your son." "Just tell us you love us, and never forget. To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone, To stand your own watch, no matter how long. To know you remember we fought and we bled. Is payment enough, and with that we will trust, That we mattered to you as you mattered to us. Tale of Six Boys . . . ! Each year I am hired to go to Washington, DC, with the eighth grade class from Clinton, WI. where I grew up, to videotape their trip. I greatly enjoy visiting our nation's capitol, and each year I take some special memories back with me. This fall's trip was especially memorable. On the last night of our trip, we stopped at the Iwo Jima memorial. This memorial is the largest bronze statue in the world and depicts one of the most famous photographs in history . . . that of the six brave soldiers raising the American Flag at the top of a rocky hill on the island of Iwo Jima, Japan, during WW II. Over one hundred students and chaperones piled off the buses and headed towards the memorial. I noticed a solitary figure at the base of the statue, and as I got closer he asked, "Where are you guys from ?" I told him that we were from Wisconsin. "Hey, I'm a cheese head, too ! Come gather around, Cheese heads, and I will tell you a story." (James Bradley just happened to be in Washington, DC, to speak at the memorial the following day. He was there that night to say good night to his dad, who has since passed away. He was just about to leave when he saw the buses pull up. I videotaped him as he spoke to us, and received his permission to share what he said from my videotape. It is one thing to tour the incredible monuments filled with history in Washington, D.C., but it is quite another to get the kind of insight we received that night.) When all had gathered around, he reverently began to speak . . . (Here are his words that night.) "My name is James Bradley and I'm from Antigo, Wisconsin. My dad is on that statue, and I just wrote a book called "Flags of Our Fathers" which is #5 on the New York Times Best Seller list right now. It is the story of the six boys you see behind me. "Six boys raised the flag. The first guy putting the pole in the ground is Harlon Block. Harlon was an all-state football player. He enlisted in the Marine Corps with all the senior members of his football team. They were off to play another type of game. A game called "War." But it didn't turn out to be a game. Harlon, at the age of 21, died with his intestines in his hands. I don't say that to gross you out . . . I say that because there are people who stand in front of this statue and talk about the glory of war. You guys need to know that most of the boys in Iwo Jima were 17, 18, and 19 years old. (He pointed to the statue) "You see this next guy ? That's Rene Gagnon from New Hampshire. If you took Rene's helmet off at the moment this photo was taken and looked in the webbing of that helmet, you would find a photograph . . . a photograph of his girlfriend. Rene put that in there for protection because he was scared. He was 18 years old. Boys won the battle of Iwo Jima. Boys. Not old men. "The next guy here, the third guy
in this tableau, was Sergeant Mike Strank. Mike is
my hero. He was the hero of all these guys. They
called him the "old man" because he was so old. He
was already 24. When Mike would motivate his boys
in training camp, he didn't say, 'Let's go "The last guy on this side of the statue is Ira Hayes, a Pima Indian from Arizona. Ira Hayes walked off Iwo Jima. He went into the White House with my dad. President Truman told him, 'You're a hero.' He told reporters, 'How can I feel like a hero when 250 of my buddies hit the island with me and only 27 of us walked off alive ' So you take your class at school, 250 of you spending a year together having fun, doing everything together. Then all 250 of you hit the beach, but only 27 of your classmates walk off alive. That was Ira Hayes. He had images of horror in his mind. Ira Hayes died dead drunk, face down at the age of 32 . . . ten years after this picture was taken. "The next guy, going around the
statue, is Franklin Sousley from Hilltop, Kentucky. A
fun-lovin' hillbilly boy. His best friend, who is
now 70, told me, 'Yeah, you know, we took two cows up on the
porch of the Hilltop General Store. Then we strung
wire across the stairs so the cows couldn't get down. "The next guy, as we continue to go around the statue, is my dad, John Bradley from Antigo, Wisconsin, where I was raised. My dad lived until 1994, but he would never give interviews. When Walter Cronkite's producers, or the New York Times would call, we were trained as little kids to say, 'No, I'm sorry, sir, my dad's not here. He is in Canada fishing. No, there is no phone there, sir. No, we don't know when he is coming back. ' My dad never fished or even went to Canada. Usually, he was sitting there right at the table eating his Campbell's soup. But we had to tell the press that he was out fishing. He didn't want to talk to the press. "You see, my dad didn't see himself as a hero. Everyone thinks these guys are heroes, 'cause they are in a photo and on a monument. My dad knew better. He was a medic. John Bradley from Wisconsin was a caregiver. In Iwo Jima he probably held over 200 boys as they died. And when boys died in Iwo Jima, they writhed and screamed in pain. "When I was a little boy, my third grade teacher told me that my dad was a hero. When I went home and told my dad that, he looked at me and said, 'I want you always to remember that the heroes of Iwo Jima are the guys who did not come back. Did NOT come back.'" "So that's the story about six nice young boys. Three died on Iwo Jima, and three came back as national heroes. Overall, 7,000 boys died on Iwo Jima in the worst battle in the history of the Marine Corps. My voice is giving out, so I will end here. Thank you for your time." Suddenly, the monument wasn't just a big old piece of metal with a flag sticking out of the top. It came to life before our eyes with the heartfelt words of a son who did indeed have a father who was a hero. Maybe not a hero for the reasons most people would believe, but a hero nonetheless. We need to remember that God created this vast and glorious world for us to live in, freely, but also at great sacrifice. Let us never forget from the Revolutionary War to the current War on Terrorism and all the wars in-between that sacrifice was made for our freedom. Remember to pray praises for this great country of ours and also pray for those still in murderous unrest around the world. STOP and thank God for being alive and
being free at someone else's sacrifice. Q: How do you know if there is a fighter
pilot at your party ? Q: What's the difference between God
and fighter pilots ? Q: What's the difference between a fighter
pilot and a jet engine ? * * * * * An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me ! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse !" The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." * * * * * "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." "Not me, Chief !" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again !" * * * * * On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it ?" The tower responded, "Who is calling ?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make ?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference . . . If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour." * * * * * During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir ?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is . . !" * * * * * Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone . . !" The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995 between a USA navy ship and the British authorities off the Scottish North Coast . The transcript was released by the MOD on 10/10/95. BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid a collision. US NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the north to avoid acollision. BRITISH: Negative. you will have to divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. US NAVY: This is the captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course . BRITISH: Negative. I say again You will have to divert your course. US NAVY: This is the aircraft
carrier USS LINCOLN. The second largest ship in the
United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied
by
three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels.
Demand that you change your course 15 degrees north.
BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. NOW F*** OFF ! 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !" 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" 5."Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." 9."In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." 10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight !" 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really
hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had
a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate and, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . . . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. A Squaddie was deployed to Bosnia. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys since he had left. She wanted to break up with him . . . AND she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him. So the squaddie did what any sensible man would do. He went around to his mates and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back." The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked
that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his
toes. He was measured at six feet and The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man
that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big
checks the previous two officers had The medical officer arrived and instructed
the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The
medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip The old Chief calmly replied . . "Vietnam !" Friends . . ! For those of you that have never been in the Services - you may never understand this ! CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you are
too busy to talk to them for a week. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents
Mr and Mrs. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail
and then tell you what you did was wrong. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you
cry. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff
for a few days then give it back. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things
about you. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind
if that is what the crowd is doing. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your
door. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Share a few experiences. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink
away when they think you've had enough. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to
the person who talks crap about you. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this. Marine Hero . . ! Marine Saves Life of
Air Force [Farce ?] Officer During Horse-Back Riding Mishap Yet another unselfish act of heroism performed by a man wearing the Eagle, Globe and Anchor: An Air Force Captain narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he decided to try horseback riding, even though he had had no lessons or prior experience. He mounted the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately sprang into action. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the Captain began to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabbed for the horse's mane, but could not get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he began to slide down the side of the horse anyway ! The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his frail grip, the Captain attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head struck against the ground over and over and over. As his head was being battered against the ground and he was mere moments away from unconsciousness, to his great fortune a Marine Sergeant shopping at Wal-Mart saw him and quickly unplugged the horse. A Matter of Timing . . ! An old, but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you ?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex ?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously ! I mean . . . no sex since 1955 ?" Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955 !" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not . . . it's only 21:30 now !" Barse Ackwards . . ! The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat ?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down ? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant !" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour ! This American should be put in his place !" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road . . . and now, Sir . . . you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window." R.A.A.F. ~ Respect for an Officer . . ! "So Corporal," said the brand new Officer in Charge, "I've noticed that you fellows address the Officers in different ways. Some you call Sir, some you call Boss and some you call Skipper. Why is that ? "Sir, the 'Skipper' is a bloke whos been around a bit, has shown his worth and is worthy of respect. The 'Boss' is a young bloke who tries hard, learns fast and shows promise. The 'Sir' is your typical flog who knows nothing, thinks he knows everything and is more concerned about his ego than learning his job." "Why do you ask, Sir ? The Watch . . ! An RAF fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. He orders a beer, and while waiting for the barkeep to pour it, glances again at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "What's the matter ? Is your date running late ?" "No," he replies, "I was just issued with this new state-of-the-art watch, and I was just checking it out." The woman, now highly intrigued, says, "A state-of-the-art watch ? What's so special about it ?" The fighter pilot explains, "It uses alpha-miasmic waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now ?" "Well . . . for a start . . . it says you're not wearing any panties . . ." "The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties !" The fighter pilot looks a little worried, taps his watch, looks up at the clock behind the bar, and says . . . "Damned thing's an hour fast.!" Disabled War Hero . . ? A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said "Sir . . . your Barracks Door is open" Not a phrase that men normally use, so he went on his way around the store looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man approached and quietly indicated that his fly was un-zipped. He zipped it up and finished his shopping. At the checkout he intentionally got in the line where the cashier was that had told him about his "Barracks Door" He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said "When you saw my Barracks Door was open, did you see a Marine standing in there at Full Attention ?" The lady cashier, (naturally smarter than the man), thought for a moment and replied . . . "No . . . No I didn't . . . All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags . . . !" Atlanta ATC . . ! You gotta love this one even if you've
never lived in the South. Saudi Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge.
Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Iran Air 711
-- Iran Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. Pause . . . Saudi Air: 'ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC' Atlanta ATC: 'Go ahead Saudi Air 911.' Saudi Air: 'YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR
AIRCRAFT FOR Atlanta ATC: 'Well bless yo' hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- y'all hear ?' English / Scottish Wars . . ! A Company of English soldiers get ready to attack the Scots. Suddenly a voice comes down to them. "C'mon ye Sassenach bastards, there's only one of me". The Captain tells ten men to go and get the Highlander. There is a big noise of battle then silence. No one returns. The voice comes taunting again. "C'mon ye bastards !" The Captain sends up 15men this time. Again battle and silence followed by the taunting voice. No men return. So the captain sends up 20 men. Sounds of battle followed by a loud cry . . . . . . "Don't send anymore. It's a trap. There are 2 of them !" The Flight Crew . . ! The airliner pushed back from the gate; the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc . Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.' Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right ? Is the captain a woman ?' When the attendant came by with the drink cart he said, 'Did I understand you right ? Is the captain a woman ?' 'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My Goodness' said Ed, 'I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant, 'We No Longer Call It The CockPit.' 'It's The Box Office !' Scots Economics . . ! Scottish soldier in full regalia goes into the chemist with a used condom. "Can ye dae a repair on this ?" he asks, handing it to the chemist. "Its in pretty poor condition" replied the chemist, "not really worth repairing when you can buy a new one for two shillings" "Is that a fact", says Jock, "I'll be back in a wee while" He returns about half an hour later and tells the chemist "Aye well, the Regiment has voted to buy a new one !" Timely . . ! A mother and her son were flying QANTAS from Perth to Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why dont big planes have baby planes ?" The mother, who could not think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So . . . the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes ?" The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me ?" The boy said, "Yes she did". "Well then . . . tell your mother that there are no baby planes, because QANTAS always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you . . . !"
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